Friday, April 29, 2011

Punishments Done Right

Punishments are a strange thing in the BDSM world, as they are often longed for and fantasized about. If you aren't careful, punishment can have the opposite effect. I'd like to point out that there are two types of punishment; the first type are just a fun part of kinky play, and the second are an honest deterrence to behavior. I call these fun punishments and real punishments, respectively. Sometimes people call the fun punishments "funishments," but I think it takes something away from allure if you outright stop calling them punishments. Both types have their place, but the community mostly focuses on the playful end of things. Kinky stories and other femdom erotica, which are usually written by men, are filled with punishments that subs would just love to endure. Whereas serious punishments are harder to find.

Fun punishments should never be used in response to something you don't want your sub to do. Likewise, they should only be used in a manner that your sub will know is playful. This doesn't mean you can't role play a fun punishment as if it were a real punishment, but even if you're acting otherwise, it should only be done with things that you are obviously not really upset about. For example, when my pet is massaging my legs and thighs (all the way up please) I might tell him if he gets hard I'll have to punish him with a spanking, or make him go down on me, etc. It doesn't even have to make sense. You can pick pretty much anything you two enjoy for a fun punishment and any excuse to exact said punishment. All you have to do is act like it's a punishment; tell him he's been a naughty boy and must suffer with the consequences. This sort of "discipline" is a lot of fun and you can find countless great ideas online.

However, the topic often overlooked is real punishment, and that's what I'd like to focus on. This is part of what's often called domestic discipline. The goal with domestic discipline is usually behavioral change and it can be achieved. To me, this is one of the most overlooked perks of being a dominant in a serious D/s relationship. It allows you to changes things about your partner that you could only complain about in a vanilla relationship. Most subs love the whole "training" aspect, but even those who don't fantasize about it are often still turned on by the idea. You get a well behaved sub and they get what they enjoy, being treated like your pet. So even with real punishments, both sides enjoy the power exchange.

One thing to keep in mind when dealing with real punishments is to avoid discipline that's difficult or hard on you. If something is a lot of trouble, then it's also a punishment for you. The exception of course is if it's something you really enjoy, then it becomes a labor of love. Perhaps you really enjoy pegging and your guy hates it, then this is still an acceptable punishment for serious infractions. But most men love pegging and a good amount of women don't get much enjoyment from it. So, again, be careful with what you use as a punishment. Don't let your sub trick you into using a fun punishment in the place of a real one! Due to the power exchange involved in being disciplined, it's normal for the thought or act of discipline to turn your sub on. Any punishment has the potential to make a submissive more horny, and there's nothing wrong with this as long as the punishment itself isn't something he enjoys or looks forward to.

The most important thing I've learned over the years is that real punishments in a femdom dynamic should always have a sexual element to them. You don't want your sub to be angry with you about being punished. Having a sexual element involved connects to him on a low, submissive, sexual level, and reminds him that training is something he wants as well. This association will also help your sub accept his punishment and negate any resentment, even when he feels he's being punished unfairly. If purely sexual punishments don't work for you, it's also fairly easy to add a sexual element to otherwise normal punishments. For example, one vanilla punishment might be standing in the corner for 15 minutes. To add a sexual element to this, have your sub wear weights from his balls for those 15 minutes as well. If he is to clean the yard as part of a punishment, make him wear a butt plug.

I've had the most success and happiest subs with punishments that are entirely sexual in nature. My personal favorite is ball spankings. I like the term "spanking" because it even sounds harsh. It's the punishment I most commonly give my husband for breaking any of the "pet rules." The pet rules started out as a list of my pet peeves, pun intended, but I've since added other offenses to the list, such as not getting the door for me and leaving the lights on when he leaves a room. When he breaks a pet rule, I let him know as soon as possible that he will be getting a ball spanking for the infraction. This can be tricky when it happens in public but do try to mention it as soon as possible in case your sub didn't realize his transgression. If, by the end of the day, he's earned any punishment, I'll tell him to get himself ready for his ball spanking. This means he is to undress, secure himself to the bed, and wait for me. If he is hard, I wait until he's not hard. I like to hold his balls with one hand while I spank with the other so it's more like a spanking and less like a slapping. When we begin I ask him what he did wrong, if I have to remind him then he's earned extra! You want him thinking about what he did and to associate it with the punishment. While fixed punishments work, I like to give myself discretion in deciding the actual number of spankings. I start with a few spanks for a first time offense and increase it each time it happens, possibly decreasing back down if he hasn't broken the rule lately. How many will vary from sub to sub depending not only on their tolerance but how hard you spank. Make him count each spank out loud, an extra if he doesn't count quickly enough. With pets new to this you'll have to tell them what to do every step of the way, but they learn quickly, especially if you give them an extra spank for needing to be reminded. All you should need to say is, "go get ready for your ball spanking."

This brings up the second most important part of a proper punishment: Ritual. Since the term punishment is used both playfully and seriously in the community, it's absolutely paramount that your sub knows when he's really being punished. As I've mentioned before, I'm not big a fan of protocol, but this is one situation that really should have an "official" procedure. Unlike most protocol, this serves a very specific purpose. You don't want any uncertainty between what's a real punishment and what isn't. Your sub should never be confused over whether he's being punished or not! (And trust me, nothing feels worse than finding out your sub thought he was being punished when you were only playing.) With a protocol in place, your sub will know for certain that you are unhappy with what he did. Having a set procedure also serves to build up to the punishment and effectively draws it out. This not only gives the sub more time to regret and reflect on what he's done wrong, but it makes the punishment more memorable. This helps the effectiveness of training.

Despite the advantages it provides, I've found that over time it's easy to let parts of your ritual slip. To you it may seem like nothing, but subs often interpret this to mean you don't care as much. Worse, the entire ritual can eventually fall by the side and now your sub will be even more easily confused if he's in trouble or not - having the opposite effect we first intended. Other than just being vigilant about the process, I've found the trick is to leave any preparation to your sub. In my case I have my sub not only undress, but cuff his ankles to either corner of the bed and his hands together over his head with the cuffs looping around the frame of the headboard. This approach not only makes it easier on you, which I'm all about, but is a great way of keeping your ritual. If your sub forgets something, a little extra punishment will help him remember the next time and it eventually becomes habit.

Since I'm on the topic of CBT or ballbusting as a punishment, I just want to interject a warning. This is a popular fetish among submissive men so it's important to be careful your sub isn't enjoying it more than he's disliking it. There are two kinds of masochistic subs. Those who get harder from pain, or prefer they are hard during it, and those that will go soft from pain, or don't mind being soft during it. I think most tops prefer guys from the first group, but there are a lot out there from the second. Those from the second category make painful punishment a little more tricky. With any kind of pain play you typically start light and work your way up. The endorphins build up slowly and your sub can enjoy more and more pain. The trick with any kinky punishment is to administer it before the endorphins kick in. You can usually get a really good pain response from your sub without going further - or much further - than you would during normal play time! And there's no added risk of injury in such a situation. I've seen people who play harder with their pets than they punish them because the sub has a much more subdued reactions during playtime where pain builds up over time. It can be a mental block for some tops and I understand the concern that you might go too far, especially if you don't have a lot of experience yet. That said - going back to the recommended punishment of ball spanking - balls can take a lot of abuse. You can be rather rough with them without doing lasting damage. In fact it takes less pressure to break a rib than to rupture a testicle. So the strategy is simple. Don't start slowly. Do it fast and do it hard. If he's getting an erection then stay ahead of the endorphin curve and hit him harder. I even have a friend who will intentionally get her sub hard and then spank his balls until he goes soft. Just remember, balls can take a lot. Don't be nice, be serious. Here's an example where the sub counts out 50 spankings. And for the more dedicated, here's an example of a 1 minute spanking with a padded paddle where the sub is gagged.

Another real punishment I often use with my hubby is orgasm denial followed by a ruined orgasm, particularly in the case where he comes when he's not allowed. While certainly not a necessary component, I do feel it fits the crime. He doesn't enjoy going week(s) without being allowed to come, and he knows the resulting orgasm won't be any good after all that build up so it works as a serious punishment. With different subs you'll need different amounts of time to get the same effect. With some, it won't work at all, and with others you may find a ruined orgasm at the end of regular play session is effective on it's own. Just make sure he knows it's coming and make sure he knows it's meant as a punishment; again, think ritual! Make him tell you why he's being punished, be clinical about it, etc. Also, because denial is a punishment that occurs over a period of time, I have him tell me why he is not allowed to come each time there's a missed opportunity. During such punishments I like to make my subs masturbate more, and will make excuses to play with them just so they have to tell me why they are being denied. The repetition really helps prevent repeat offenses.

Dealing with a sub in orgasm denial can be tricky as well. Some subs will ask or even beg for less time in orgasm denial. Ironically, I find these are often the ones who've fantasized about it the most. It often turns out they like the fantasy more than the reality of it. If your sub starts asking for a reduced sentence, add a day. They learn quickly, and trust me, it can get on your nerves fast. If a sub isn't asking for less time, but is still complaining, make a rule that any complaint related to punishment must include a thank you, or you'll add a day. I do both of these things and it makes orgasm denial much easier to administer. If he comes during this punishment due to a fault of his own, then we start over and his cock isn't allowed any physical stimulation. But I'm lenient here because this kind of inactive denial can have a huge emotional effect. I can also admit when I'm partially to blame, especially if he warned me he was close. In those cases we simply start the denial period over again. If it happened at his own hands I like to double the time.

I've had other pets in the past who would intentionally make trouble when I announced this was the punishment. You may be surprised how men who love their orgasm so much will want to not have one so badly, but it's often about the fantasy. As I mentioned earlier, when actually playing they almost always want that orgasm. When it comes down to it, many realize it's not what they really wanted, and they regret making trouble. What they really want is for you to take control of their orgasms as part of your control over them. (Which I suggest you do anyway.) The lesson here? Some subs fantasize about punishments they'll actually hate. So don't rule out a punishment just because your sub has fantasized about it in the past. In the same vein, don't be angry if they test you on any new punishment or rule, but be sure to follow through! There's no fixed set of what works as a deterrent. You just have to try things out and see if behavior improves. If things are actually getting worse then it's most likely your sub is enjoying the punishment too much. Don't be afraid to step up the intensity of a punishment your sub may be enjoying to see if that helps, though you may have to try something different if you aren't getting the results you want.

Getting started is easier than you'd think. I suggest sitting down with your sub and establishing some rules so he knows what he'll be punished for. In heavier power exchange relationships it's not uncommon to reserve the right to punish the sub for things that aren't on the list, but especially in new relationships, a formal list will help set expecations for your sub. This will also help you remember what rules you are enforcing. As for some examples of the type of things you can fix, here are a couple of my pet peeves: the toilet left up, an empty toilet paper roll, clothes not in the laundry basket, towels on the floor, plates not in the sink, trash next to the garbage bin, and trash not taken out on trash day. I suggest adding anything that bothers you. All the rules don't have to be serious either, some can be fun. I have a bigger list of rules here if you want more ideas. When he does something wrong, you will get the best results if you punish him as soon as possible so he associates it with the punishment. Alternatively, some people will pick a particular day of the week to take care of punishments. If you prefer to wait, or have to because others are around, do your best to point out transgressions to him at the time they happen. Either way, always ask him why he's being punished when you are about to punish him; you want him thinking about what he did wrong when he's being punished.

To review, a good punishment should be sexual in nature or at the very least have a strong sexual element to it. Most subs will melt when this approach is used, and it helps avoid arguing and resentment. Pick a punishment that's easy on you, and try it out a few times. If it's not working, try a different punishment. There should be a set protocol as to how it's done to completely distinguish it from any type of playful punishment. Also keep in mind that you'll get much better results if you're consistent with punishment. With the right approach, your sub will not only behave better, but he's going to feel more submissive and horny. And that's always a good thing.

17 comments:

  1. Excellent Article, my submissive is female but the same rules apply, I found it very informative

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  2. If you want to know the real meaning behind Domestic Discipline, you should read The Mistress Manual. It has a detailed chart explaining the difference.

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  3. My pet always disobeys the punishment I give what do I do?

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  4. First I want to say thank you for an outstanding and exemplary article on punishment.
    As a male sub myself, I can testify to pain and humiliation of testicle abuse and it's remarkable how much punishment the testicles can take without any danger of rupture. But there's another genital 'correction' which is as effective and very painful which a Domme (or Dom) can inflict without permanent damage. It's a good cock whipping or beating with different implements, from various floggers to a straightfoward cane. An erect penis is most effective but even if flaccid the pain is intense. Furthermore, the bruising and likely bleeding from cuts will heal in time and serve as a reminder of the sub's misdemeanour. My first experience of this was a simple fifty lashes with a doubled-up shoelace which drew blood on my erect cock.

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  5. I am a kitten and my daddy gives me a real hard time because I'm always bad and he punishes me all the time.

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  6. Thank you!!
    I can't really say I'm part of the BDSM community, but things like this are great (and informative) for when I get with someone into this type of thing.
    I've read some of your other posts as well, and they're always super helpful.Thank you so much

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  9. I'm a new domme and my sub loves to be humiliated, so I'm having him post pictures of his member on SC. Anyone willing to help me by giving it a look? Just follow mm_subww if you can. Thank you loves!

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  10. Help! I am a woman who us fairly new to BDSM. My male partner doesn't like physical pain/punishment beyond spanking, he enjoys emotional and psychological humiliation and gender role reversal. He asks me to dominate, train, and discipline him. We don't live together and don't have a lot of toys (yet). This sounds stupid but I need suggestions on things to make him do/say, without being too hardcore. Can anyone offer advice? I am so used to boring partners this is all new to me! Thank you!

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    1. Im a switch and dont domme often, but if you need something for a partner you dont live with, i may be able to help with afew ideas if you still need them. First off, have you tried hair pulling with him yet? Its a decent way to make him look at you without much physical pain/discomfort. Sexting/phone sex is also a good idea, not necessarily the whole nudes thing unless youre willing to do so and comment, but also asking him things like "have you been a good boy?", asking/telling him to beg for you, and administering "challenges" or schedules for when he pleasures himself or just plain isnt allowed to. Roleplaying over the phone is also an interesting concept for when you want to have sexytimes and cant see eachother

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  11. This is a great article and all so true...my wife has been disciplining me for some time and has trained me to be more compliant and obedient...she uses the cane to punish me as she says this is the most effective...I get a maintenance caning once a week to remind me to behave this is painful but bearable the strokes are not too hard and I get a number of breaks to help me bear the pain....however a punishment caning {referred to as serious in the article} is a different matter and I dread it...depending on what I have done or not done she will sentence me to a set number of strokes of the cane....the sentence is usually texted to me at work so I have the whole day to think about what is to come....a typical punishment caning would be a minimum of thirty strokes...when I get home I will be told to strip and mount the whipping bench where my wrists and ankles are tied...Unlike a maintenance caning the strokes are hard and delivered steadily every five seconds with no breaks until the punishment is complete....the pain builds up rapidly and is excruciating...I can stop it if I cant take the pain but then have two choices...1.take the whole punishment again within 24 hrs 2.take a break but for every minute I have to endure an additional stroke...so for example if I have been sentenced to forty and only taken twenty and then have a twenty minute break I would still have another 40 strokes to endure..i can use this as many times as I need to during the punishment but in the end it just makes the punishment much worse. This is the most severe punishment and I do not have to take it too often but another my wife favours is enforced squatting..i am stripped naked and hands tied behind my back...she then sits facing the tv...I have to face her and go down into a squat position..she places her feet on my shoulders using me as a footrest whilst she watches tv..after a few minutes the pain in my legs and feet is severe but I have to hold this position until she releases me...this strict discipline has modified my behaviour and my wife is firmly in control!!

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  12. Thank you so much for this article. I am a fairly new Mistress and this article is just what i needed to read to have some good ideas and a good understanding of punishments, both playful and serious! Thank you very much.

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  13. I might send this to my Dom partner. They don't alwsays know the difference between fun and serious punishments which sometimes confuses me. Like, are we joking around or was I actually being bad?

    Hes still new to bdsm and I think this may help him a lot. Well, kinda help both of us honestly...

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  14. An excellent and educational article. Your advice is spot on and I particularly like your use of ball spanking. This is a term that should send shivers down any male’s spine! I don’t care how brave they think they are, any man can be reduced to a quivering wreck by the most petite lady who has the courage to spank his balls. Don’t think about what you are spanking just slap away and enjoy yourself! My own preference is for the man to wear a pair of tight, thin panties as this will hold the target area in a neat package and it is impossible to miss those testicles. A neat trick is to send him off to change into these when you discover his crime. He will then be reminded of what is in store every time he moves. When spanking, it also helps to pretend that it is a very small bottom you are smacking. This way it is easier to keep up a steady fusillade of powerful slaps rather than worry about the pain you are causing in his genitals.
    My only small criticism is the number of smacks you are using. Three!! Really? I would suggest that you use time to define the severity of the punishment. If he just needs a warning then 30 seconds to one minute will ensure that he doesn’t forget. For more serious offenses you should be talking of 5 or even 10 minutes. That will really give him something to think about in the hours leading up to the punishment.

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  15. I do something similar with my slave when I know he's done something wrong. I tie him down and edge him. He's not allowed to cum until he admits to what he's done and begs to be spanked for it. I even let him decide how many spanks he should receive but if I don't think it's enough I tell him he'll have to ask for more if he wants to cum. With enough edging I can get him to beg for any amount, lol. The cherry on top is that because I don't tell him what he did wrong, sometimes he'll admit to other things I didn't know about or had forgotten about!
    His pain tolerance drops to zero when he cums and I follow it immediately with the ball spankings he just begged for. Lol! You know it's working because he really grunts and moans. I've even gotten him to cry! I get so turned on that afterwards I hold him by his sore balls as I fuck him in the ass.
    The whole process is fun for both of us and also very effective. So effective that I have to keep coming up with new rules so he'll break one! I'll be sad when there's nothing left to correct lol!

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