Active vs Inactive Denial

What most people don't realize is that there are really two types of orgasm denial: active and inactive. Everyone who plays with orgasm denial should be aware of the difference, whether your sub is male or female, or whether you go long term or short. And especially when you are on a tight schedule like me.

First, I'd like to apologize for my terminology. I can't imagine there isn't already a term for these two entirely opposite approaches to orgasm denial, but a Google search for "active orgasm denial" and "inactive orgasm denial" return nothing. Nonetheless, these are the terms I will use. When a person is actively denied they are kept in a near-constant state of sexual need or desire. When a person is inactively denied, their sexual needs are not only ignored, but also often discouraged.

Inactive denial is the simplest of the two approaches. All you have to do is ignore your plaything's sexual needs. This is usually accompanied by some sort of chastity device to not only prevent orgasm but masturbation as well. Often times the goal with inactive denial is to turn off your pet's sexuality entirely. The danger with inactive denial is that your pet will often feel ignored, unwanted, undesirable, and unloved, even if it's not true. They will often get angry with you, or snap at you for no good reason. This is followed by feelings of sadness and guilt. This melting pot of negative emotions can easily lead to bouts of depression. But yes, some people fantasize about this sort of denial. In practice, even those people can have a hard time sidestepping the negative emotions that come up. Just because someone fantasizes about inactive denial, doesn't mean they will actually enjoy it.

It's safe to say that while some people fantasize about this type of denial, most do not. Unfortunately, inactive denial is what people who are unfamiliar with the kink imagine when they are first introduced to orgasm denial. There are countless blogs and forum posts of both men and women who talked their significant other into denying them orgasms, only to realize later they were in a state of inactive denial. It makes me sad to see to this mistake repeated so often. When introducing someone new to the idea of orgasm denial, please take a little time to explain the angle you are interested in. I know some people are afraid of topping from the bottom, but at least explain that it isn't about turning off your sexuality, but rather harnessing denial for it's continuous positive energy.

While it's true that you can easily put a lot of time into active denial play, it isn't necessarily required. Masturbation - without orgasm - is something a sub can do with only the slightest of oversight. One easy thing I always recommend for someone in an active denial situation is a masturbation schedule. But find any excuse you can to make your sub masturbate. Make them masturbate during the commercials when you're watching a show together, or when they're waiting on you to finish getting ready before you go somewhere. Tell them if you two are talking or doing something together and someone calls, they are to masturbate until you're free again. If you think your sub is losing some of that pent up sexual energy - or just starting to feel down - don't wait for an excuse, simply order them to masturbate.

To be extra clear, I'm not saying you have to limit your play with your sub; my point is that active denial doesn't require extra work on your part. Of course, edging your sub during a period of denial can be especially fun. And, in my experience, physically teasing someone who's being denied orgasm is the best way to keep them happy and upbeat. However, the most important thing is to make sure your needs are getting met. Only your sub need be the target of this orgasm denial. As I always say, playing doesn't have to end in an orgasm for your sub. Even if your play involves sex. You aren't obligated to finish anything you start with orgasm denial, and the sooner you take this to heart the sooner it will set you free. In this way, orgasm denial can make playtime with your sub less stressful and less work. Too many people feel an implied responsibility of "finishing what you start." This is a great way to break that habit if you're one of those people. You are free to tease or play whenever you want, and for any amount of time. Any point can be a stopping point, because in the end, the only goal is a denied orgasm.

Chastity devices are often part of the orgasm denial fantasy. This might seem incompatible with active denial, but in fact, I recommend it. I simply suggest taking it off when you two will be around each other a while. Leaving your sub free when you're together makes it easier to play or otherwise tease them when the moment arises. In general, using a chastity device helps prevent your sub from taking matters into their own hands and ruining the sexual energy you've built up together. But it's not all business, there's also fun to be had. It's a hidden bondage device they can take with them wherever they go; and it will constantly remind them of you and make them really anticipate your time together. It also allows them to completely surrender themselves to the idea that you control their orgasms.

My final suggestion is that you remind your toy you know they are being denied. This helps thwart those feelings of being unloved or unwanted. You can bring this up at any time, but it's especially important if you just finished playing and you know your sub really wants to come. You can tell them you want them as horny as possible for you, or always ready to serve you. Or even that you want them horny because you win arguments more easily or because they are more enjoyable to be around. Active denial isn't just about keeping them in need, but letting them know you are doing it on purpose and enjoying it.