Friday, September 23, 2011

Blogger Burnout

It happened, I've got blogger burnout. Not writers block, but burnout. I was just tired of writing, and it made me ask myself, am I really enjoying this? I enjoy giving advice to other tops almost as much as I like topping myself. (Well, maybe not quite that much.) But it started to feel like the effort I was putting into this wasn't helping women as much as it was getting men off.

The big thing I had noticed was the number of comments and emails I received from males. When I first started, a much higher percentage of my readers were female. I've always insisted there are far more submissive males than dominant females, so this is inevitable. However, most of my earliest comments were from women, but later comments have mostly been by men. I'm guessing as people started following the blog, and as I posted more and more topics, it became more intimidating to women looking for a kink or fetish related guide.

I still receive an email from a woman every now and then, so at least I know a couple fellow ladies are reading my blog. I've decided to take a month or so off, and give it another shot, but I'm going to back off on the frequency a bit. I'll be aiming for once a month, at least to start. And, of course, I still plan to write my posts primarily directed at the female top. If I eventually run out of topics I may revisit specific portions of other posts in more detail, or may even try to answer questions readers might have. We'll see when (if?) we get there.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Pegging

Since I've got a prostate theme going here, I'll finish up with Pegging. Despite how commonly the two are brought up together, for someone with a pegging fetish, it's almost certainly not about the prostate. For those who have never heard the term before, pegging is simply anal sex with a strap-on dildo. Submissive men fantasize about this because it reverses gender roles, being penetrated rather than penetrating. I'd suggest everyone try it once, if for no other reason than for the experience of being on the other side. That said, there will be more men than women who enjoy pegging; although usually, even for men, it's due more to mental aspects than physical.

I'd like to start by clearing up some misconceptions. Just because a man is interested in pegging, it doesn't mean he's gay or bi. It doesn't even mean he's curious about sexual acts with a man. It just means he wants a woman to do him in the ass. It may mean he's into feminization, but it may also be due to an interest in humiliation, as there has traditionally been stigma associated with anal sex. It may just be the whole taboo aspect of the thing he's interested in. This is true even if a man has fantasies of being forced to suck a cock for your enjoyment. In the end it's about your control over him. Another misconception, mostly by men this time, is that women get great pleasure from pegging. Subs love it when a woman enjoys such an act, and thus it's portrayal in erotic writing and porn is greatly exaggerated. Obviously there are no sensitive nerve ending in a dildo, and we miss out on a lot of potentially enjoyable friction. In reality it's difficult for us, if not impossible, to orgasm from pegging. I touched on a very similar misconception in my previous post so I won't go over it again in great detail, but I'd like any men reading this to keep that in mind.

There are some dildos designed to stimulate the woman while she fucks a man in the ass, but I've found them all to be a bit overrated. Nonetheless, they are more fun than regular strap-ons, and worth the investment if you're trying to make the most out of pegging. The most popular of these is the Feeldoe. However, after becoming popular they changed the way they're made; the silicone tends to be slightly too firm for comfort now, and it's a common complaint you'll hear from women with the new Feeldoes. They have a vibrator attachment which can help if you prefer vibration, but it seems those have gotten cheaper as well. Even on the older models, the vibrations aren't as strong as I'd like but it's the feature of the Feeldoe that gets the most attention. Then there's the Nexus Double Dildo. It's tends to be harder to hold in due to it's weight, but offers a deeper filled sensation, if you enjoy that. They seem to be gaining in popularity, probably due to the changes in the Feeldoe. There's little else to be said about them. My personal favorite, by far, is something FunFactory makes called Share. In my experience, it feels the best, it easily rubs both your g-spot and your clit, and is the easiest to hold in place. As such, this is probably the closest you're going to get to experiencing a cock of your own. Although that's not saying much.

Are three all made out of silicone, which can be cleaned with soap and water, or alcohol, and can be thoroughly sterilized in boiling water. I always suggest you use a water based lube, as lubricants that contain silicone can destroy silicone toys. They all are primarily held in with your PC muscle. Even if you have strong muscles, if things get too wet for you, the toys can pop out. You can help prevent this with kegel exercise, holding your legs together tightly, or simply adding a harness to the mix. By far, the best harness is SpareParts' Joque Harness. But pretty much any cheap o-ring harness without padding, or with removable padding, will do the trick. I know several happy owners of this cheap harness for example.

As I've mentioned before, a man's prostate is often stimulated during anal penetration. While not being the sole point of pleasure, this tends to make pegging an enjoyable experience, rather than the torturous one often imagined by subs. Of course, since prostate stimulation doesn't give all men erections, don't expect pegging alone to do so either. Men will get the most enjoyment out of pegging with simultaneous stimulation of their cock and balls. Being a bit of a sadist myself I prefer to use a dildo that's too big to be comfortable for the sub. This takes away some of the physical pleasure for the sub but if you flat out explain that you're intentions are to make things less comfortable or enjoyable, this usually returns more than what it takes in the form of mental and fetish pleasures. It's really a win-win. If your sub is into feminization you can have him dressed up before play to intensify the situation for him.

It's important to make sure you're pet is properly lubed before starting. What works best, especially for first timers, is to slowly work lube into his ass with your fingers. Of course I recommend gloves, but if you and your sub are comfortable without you using them then feel free to skip them. Start shallow and with one finger. Work the lube in deeper and deeper and add a second finger to help relax him and loosen him up. If he feels too tight you can remind him to relax. If you're worried he will be too tight just apply more lube and continue to stretch him with your fingers. As long as you're gentle about it you should be fine. If you're sub isn't new to this, or it just isn't your style, you can work the lube into him slowly with the dildo itself. Lube it up, but don't just plunge in. Work it in a little bit at a time, going back and forth in small amounts spreads out the lube more evenly. After about an inch or increased resistance, pull out, add more lube, and repeat, going deeper each time.

As for penetration, the most common way to peg is with the sub on his back, at the edge of a table or bed, with his legs in the air. It's important to get the height right so you don't have to struggle to thrust your synthetic cock into him. You can put pillows under his ass to lift it to a height that's comfortable for you, or if you're more serious about it, you can pick out a table of the correct height to simplify things. In this position I suggest securing his ankles to his hands via cuffs, bondage tape, etc. This makes him more vulnerable and gives you more control. This position is popular because it allows easy access to your sub's genitals. I've even seen someone give a blow job while pegging from this angle. CBT is also possible in this position; whipping and slapping the cock and balls being the easiest. You can hold on to his balls while you peg him, squeezing and pulling on them. Tying up his balls will help in this regard, and you can make a little harness leash combo if you otherwise have trouble reaching them. E-stim also works well as you can adjust it easily enough while you peg.

Pegging doggy style doesn't give you such easy access to his most sensitive bits, and it won't hit the prostate as much, but is also a common approach. Part of the popularity is because many find it more humiliating, as there is a bit of stigma involved with doggy style. Hell, even the name is a bit derogatory. If you want to take it a step further you can put a dog collar on your sub and use a leash to pull him onto your synthetic dick. It's also easier to get a good cock-to-ass height with your sub as you can adjust his vertical height by spreading his legs further apart. Which brings up my favorite thing about doggy style, something I call "side effect" orgasms. If his legs are spread far enough apart his cock can rub the bed as you fuck him in the ass, and this can cause a wound up pet to come. While such an orgasm would still be enjoyable, it can be humiliating as well. If you aren't directly stimulating his cock when he comes, it will seem to him as if he came from anal play alone. If this happens don't let the opportunity pass. You can get great mileage out of teasing him about how much of an anal slut he is. You can use this excuse with e-stim but works much better with less obvious forms of stimulation that can be done with a from-behind approach to pegging.

One of the best ways to get a "side effect" orgasm is to bend your sub over a table before pegging. Make sure you've heavily lubed up his cock during some earlier play, and with every thrust into his ass you will be effectively stroking his cock on the table. I suggest making sure he is hard before you lean him over the table and then checking after a bit to see if the stimulation is keeping him hard. As with all things penis, stimulation can go one of two ways: not enough stimulation and he goes soft, or enough stimulation to keep him hard and eventually lead to orgasm. If you are worried he's not moving enough you can get more lube on the table or even go as far as covering most of his front side so he slides more, but I don't find it necessary. I suggest pulling his balls out behind him as not to get in the way of his cock and you can grab onto them or play with them for added stimulation. Again, some ball bondage with a leash can help here.

Depending on the angle of your sub's erect cock you can have him kneeling on the bed, with his legs spread far enough for the underside of his cock head to rub on the bed. I suggest putting a towel down to keep things clean. Again, each thrust will bring him closer to orgasm. Pulling back on the balls as you reverse thrust will cause the cock to rub harder against the surface. I've also noticed beds have a tendency to cause a bit more movement under a sub than a table does. This is actually how I first discovered the trick, and later improved it into the table version mentioned above. But this still works surprisingly well for some subs, maybe due to the roughness of a towel opposed to the smoothness of the table. It's also less obvious that you're doing it on purpose and makes it better for that "I can't believe you came from this" angle.

If you're goal during pegging is orgasm, the sooner he reaches orgasm, the sooner you can stop. Even if you whole heartily enjoy pegging, it can become tedious if your sub isn't able to reach an orgasm when you want him to. It always helps to have edged or played with your sub before hand so he's quicker to reach orgasm. Having him "ready himself" for you by masturbating to the edge of orgasm while fingering himself is a fun way to make things easier for you. He's lubed and ready to go. If pegging is just final event of a series of play you may wish to have a back up plan in case your sub is unable to reach orgasm through the method you had preferred. Often freeing a hand and having him "come for you" works.

Personally, it's a rare occasion that I initiate pegging for my own enjoyment, as there are other things I enjoy more. If I want stimulation, whimpering, squirming, or to embarrass my sub, there are better avenues for each. Personally, I see pegging as a gift or reward for a sub, but using it as a (play) punishment tends to heighten the experience. That said, I understand why some women enjoy it so much. After all, the mind is the most powerful sex organ. There is a sexy power exchange taking place, and there's a nice humiliation angle to it as well. Also, if you feed heavily on your sub's emotions and reactions, then someone with a pegging fetish can also add more to the pleasure of the act. This is, however, another one of those things that, as a top, you shouldn't feel bad about if you don't enjoy it.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Prostate Massage

I figure I should cover prostate massage since my last post was about prostate milking. Prostate massage is pleasurable for most men, and unlike prostate milking, it is intended to be enjoyable for the person on the receiving end. Impressively enough, some men can even have an orgasm from prostate stimulation alone. Prostate massage isn't kinky of and in itself, but it has become fetishized by many subs.

Some men just have anal fetishes and discover the pleasure of prostate stimulation while exploring that. But for most subs, a big part of the thrill ties into feminization and humiliation fetishes. In the case of feminization prostate massage is desired in the form of pegging, or strap on play. The sub is playing a reversed role, being penetrated by a woman rather than the other way around. In the case of humiliation, the sub gets off on the fact that you know he actually enjoys having something up his ass. Verbally reminding a sub he is enjoying something being up his ass, without going into the specifics of why, can have a very powerful effect on him mentally.

Prostate massage can be done by hand, with your fingers, and I always suggest it as a starting point for people with little‑to‑no prostate play experience. For a how‑to guide in finding the prostate, see this paragraph from last week's post. Since we're only talking about massage here, if you have really small hands and it's too difficult or it's just plain too disgusting for you, then you'll probably be fine skipping right to a toy and relying mostly on feedback from your sub. When milking the prostate, accuracy is very important, but not so much when massaging. I also mentioned the Doc Johnson Pleasure Wand last week, but for massage you don't need such a precise toy. I suggest larger, blunter dildos for massaging the prostate so you don't have to focus so much on what you're doing. Sometimes it's fun to use a toy that's slightly too large, enough to be uncomfortable, as to mix pleasure with pain.

The way I see it, prostate massage is something you can do to reward your sub. I find it's prevalence in the BDSM community to be unusual since it seems to be an act focused on the submissive male's pleasure. It's almost like a blow job in that regard. I am actually quite disappointed by the number of men I run across who think it would give a top great pleasure to massage their prostate. Would someone go up to a dominant woman and ask her for a blow job? Of course not. This must have spilled over from homosexual man‑on‑man BDSM culture, where the one taking it in the ass tends to have less enjoyment than the one doing the penetrating. But from a dominant woman's perspective, I see no reason for it to be elevated to the status it has among straight submissive men.

Of course, with the right angle you can have fun with almost any form of sexual play. As I mentioned earlier, my sadistic side gets some enjoyment out of using a dildo that's too big to be comfortable for the sub. In this regard it can be somewhat akin to CBT. Seeing how much pain a sub is willing to take in return for pleasure is always interesting. And prostate massage can be useful in intensifying a sub's desire to orgasm - I do like my men desperate for orgasm. So I don't mean to bash it if it's your thing, but try to be realistic about it if you can. If you're a dominant woman who doesn't care about prostate massage, do not feel guilty or out of place.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Prostate Milking

You hear a lot about prostate milking on the web, but it's actually much less common than it's made out to be. What a lot of people call prostate milking is actually just prostate massage. A prostate milking causes seminal fluid to leave the body without orgasm. It's viewed as worse than a ruined orgasm by many who experience it. It's a submissive experience that's literally forced, but one that's often done for prostate health on a chaste sub.

I want to be extra clear on what prostate milking is. Semen is literally milked out of the prostate. No erection is necessary. You can tell the difference between a milking and a massage in the way the seminal fluid leaves the body. If it squirts out in rhythmical pulses, then that was an orgasm. It doesn't matter if there was pressure on the prostate, it was caused by an orgasm. If it dribbles out anticlimactically, then it was a milking.

Prostate milking will clear out old seminal fluid that has built up in the prostate. Normally seminal fluid is flushed during orgasm. Even if not actively having sex or masturbating to orgasm, the body will flush the prostate during wet dreams. However, when wearing a chastity device any erection can be painful and wet dreams will usually be interrupted before the body can do it's thing. When a man is unable to orgasm, seminal fluid can become toxic. It can lead to dangerous bacterial infections, and some studies have even shown an increased risk in prostate cancer.

So then how often should you "empty" old seminal fluid? I've seen recommendations ranging from every week to just twice a month. I'm lucky enough to have a kink friendly doctor - not an easy find I might add - and was able to ask him personally. When I explained the situation to him, he suggested that an occasional week or two without orgasm should be fine, but if orgasms are regularly prevented for more than 7 to 10 days, then a prostate milking would probably be a good idea. But he emphasized that a milking should not be done on men who have a disease of the prostate or acute prostatitis, and then only in the case where an orgasm is really out of the question. He also said to watch for blood in the semen when milking the prostate, as that could signify I'm being too rough. I should mention that I have yet to see blood in semen when milking, and I don't consider myself gentle by any means.

Many men find the stimulation of the prostate pleasurable. So then isn't a prostate milking somewhat of a reward? No, not at all. Milking can actually be devastating to some men. I've had it explained to me as a feeling similar to orgasm, but without the pleasure or intensity. It also takes a lot of the energy out of a man's horniness. The fullness of the prostate subconsciously makes men feel aroused. As thus, men become less horny after a milking. Since a horny sub is so much easier to deal with and enjoyable to be around, I see this as a downside to milking. In the end, subs still seem to be hornier than with the alternative to milking: an orgasm.

Unfortunately, it's not easy to learn how to milk the prostate. It can take a while to figure it all out. Even experienced, it takes me about 5 minutes to thoroughly milk a prostate. An empty bladder will help, and a bowel movement makes your sub relax and makes the process easier and cleaner for you. You can use an enema if you prefer. There are a lot of toys out there designed to help, but I suggest you learn to do it by hand first. Prostate toys are popular for men because it can be difficult for a man to reach his own prostate, and a man can feel what the toy is doing to help guide himself. You on the other hand feel nothing with a toy, so the best way to learn is by hand. Then you can move on to other toys if it doesn't suit you.

Start by making sure your nails have no jagged edges. You don't have to trim them short, but if you don't, be extra careful not to tear or scratch anything. I also strongly suggest using sterile latex gloves. Using a water based lube, insert your index finger, or your index and middle finger, into your sub's ass. Move upward and in, almost as if you were pointing towards his belly button. You should find his prostate anywhere from 1 to 3 inches in. It's roughly the size of a walnut, but obviously you're only feeling the edge of it through the rectal wall. I suggest having your pet masturbate (or doing it for him) after you think you've found the prostate or as you feel for it, as this will make it swell a little and get harder. Getting to the edge of orgasm and stopping should make the prostate hard to miss. Another thing that might be helpful would be to get feedback from your pet, as rubbing the prostate may cause a sense of urgency to urinate. Once you're sure you've found the prostate you can then massage it on both sides. We are forcing the semen out, so take your time but don't be too gentle. The only thing to be careful with is not to put pressure on the center of the prostate, as that could potentially damage the urethra.

Once you get the hang of it, then if your still interested, get a toy to help. I like the Doc Johnson Pleasure Wand, and recommend against the popular Aneros brand of toys simply because they are so overpriced; you're paying for the name. Really, most g-spot toys will work for milking, so there's no need to spend a lot. Also, since pleasure isn't your goal when milking, a vibrating toy isn't necessary. Sometimes they aren't even more pleasurable for your pet, as they can actually numb the prostate. If you do get a toy that can vibrate, try it out to see if it speeds up the process for you.

Some men have a refractory period after a milking and can't get hard. However some can get hard, or if they were hard when you milked them, can keep their erection. In these cases those men can masturbate or fuck all they want without coming during what would normally be their refractory period. Of course some of those men can just come right away; either having a dry orgasm, or with one with a small amount of cum. I'm not sure why there is such a big difference in the range of responses, but it's something for you to test out and play with if you're looking for a fun angle, or even just a way to quickly put your sub back into a horny mindset.