A Safer Word

I am always fascinated to see how long standing couples use safewords, also sometimes written as "safe word". A safeword is a code word or phrase that lets you communicate something out of character during a scene. Since many submissives actually enjoy resisting, crying out in pain, saying "no" or "stop", complaining, or begging, this allows for them to do so freely. And, as a top, you don't have to decipher mixed messages. It's an unambiguous way for your sub to tell you something. Peoples' preferences range from using safewords to top from the bottom, to thinking safewords ruin the whole experience. I'll try to cover the range in this post, and end with a bit of advice on dealing with safe words.

There are actually many different uses for safewords. For people inexperienced with a type of play, new to a partner, or who prefer the bottom to stay in control, three safewords are usually used. Most often they are the colors of a stoplight: green, yellow, and red. This choice prevents the mix up in the meaning and severity of the safewords. For those new, or with a new partner, these words are also easy to remember. Green means yes, harder, or more. Yellow means slow down, or stop doing that. And red means stop the scene, something is wrong, or we need to talk. Green is what really sets this trio apart from other safeword combinations. It's very helpful when experimenting with a new type of play, or testing the pain tolerance of someone new to you. Sometimes to prevent the green safeword from giving the bottom too much power, it's only allowed when the top asks instead. "Green?" "Green."

As such, sometimes only two safewords are used: yellow and red. In this case yellow is most often used to tell the top, "Ok, I'm done with that. Move on to something else." And there's still red when you want to stop the scene to discuss something. This setup is commonly used with service tops and subs that like to top from the bottom. This also means that sometimes this is frowned on by more serious players. Surprisingly, I've found this attitude to be much more common among submissives than tops. From the bottom's point of view, they will call out yellow when they get close to their limits but then those limits are never tested. Many tops and bottoms find it sexy when the bottom is pushed right up to their limits or just slightly beyond them. And tops like me who really enjoy the power exchange, a yellow safeword can break immersion and rob you of your sense of control, spoiling part of the fun. I've also found that pushing limits is a great way to bond and grow together as a couple, and this tends not to happen when the sub can stop you. I do feel this is something those who only "play" dominant often miss out on. That said, I think it's reasonable to temporarily introduce yellow when trying to establish someone's limits with a new type of play. Typically, if either party wants a yellow safeword, then it's generally used.

In established relationships there is often just one safeword. While red is commonly used by professionals or people with many partners, for individual couples the word is often unique, and frequently even meaningful. A good safeword is one that doesn't usually come up in a normal conversation or during play. This way you don't accidentally stumble across the word, it's more easily recognized, and it stands out when spoken alone. When there is just one safeword, it's used to let your partner know (top or bottom) that the scene is to stop immediately, and that a frank conversation will follow. It's often assumed that play will resume after things are worked out, as not to discourage the safeword's use. It's also a good idea to remind your partner of the safeword before playing. If you've recently established a safeword, you may even want to remind your sub again, when your playing starts to get interesting. If they seem to dislike being reminded of the safeword or haven't had the need to use it in a while, perhaps you need to talk about it again. It may be time to go from 3, 2, or 1 safewords to fewer.

As a top, I generally dislike the idea of a green safeword, but am comfortable using it in the form of a question with new subs. I also dislike yellow and insist we drop it when we drop green. This often leads sub's to believe that I equally dislike the use of a red safeword. However, like most tops, having a red safeword makes me more comfortable when playing. I hate breaking my toys, so this takes the stress out of things and makes it easier for me to enjoy myself and get lost in the play. Some subs however feel exactly the opposite, and have trouble getting lost in subspace when they have a safeword they can use at any point they decide things become too uncomfortable. Just a side note, but I've noticed these also tend to be the people who want everything to be "real." They prefer truly secure bondage opposed to bondage they could possibly get out of, chastity devices as opposed to giving their word, and serious punishments over fun punishments.

In this case, and what I like to eventually graduate to with any sub, is what I call a saferword (or safer word). This is a single safeword which is only to be used when there is a serious - i.e. medical - emergency. For example, when he or she can't breathe, something is wrong physically, or when continued play could result in real physical damage. The saferword will result in the end of the scene. Play is not guaranteed to be picked back up afterwards, which is the opposite of what it usually emphasized when encouraging a safeword's use. For the sub, this often gives the same thrill as having no safe word, but as a top, you can still have fun without stressing over damaged goods.

If you're only playing the dominant role, or still prefer to give your sub some control without "ruining" their fun, oftentimes you can train your sub to give you such hints without them realizing it. To get green hints from them, when starting something different, say something along the lines of, "let's see what kind of reaction I can get out of you with this." As they react more to something you can say things like, "Oh, I like squirming / whimpering / moaning / whatever." This won't necessarily work instantly, but after playing a couple times you'll notice that although your sub starts off quiet, he or she will build up to some nicer reactions as you intensify your play. Once this is working well for you, you can stop with the "let's see" heads up type comments. Reading a yellow from them then becomes as simple as seeing them react less despite no decrease in intensity on your end. You can also feel out a yellow by switching to something new for a minute, but returning to what you were doing. If they reacted very well to the new thing compared to the previous, then they are likely more interested in that. Likewise, if they react strongly to you coming back to the previous form of play, then they aren't ready to move on yet. Of course some subs can go on forever, so feel free to move on eventually; you really shouldn't do something till your sub is bored of it. Overall, this ends up being somewhat similar to how some tops play even when focused on their own enjoyment.

I agree that with some forms of play, there's really very little risk, and no safeword is needed. However, if steps are ever taken, and more serious play is eventually worked into your fun, your sub may find themselves in too deep at some point and actually be traumatized or seriously hurt due to a lack of a safeword. I see no harm in taking a little time to pick a fun, meaningful, yet unique safeword with your partner. If you and your partner really dislike the idea of a safeword, you have two options, consensual nonconsent, where you simply agree to use no safewords (this is only recommended for experienced players) or you could change it, as I had suggested, to a saferword; only for use in emergencies. That said, a safeword can come in handy when you least expect it.