Friday, July 29, 2011

Humiliation in Private

A lot of people have humiliation fetishes. In fact, it's one of the most common fetishes among submissive males and females, but since it's not a specific act in and of itself, there's not much talk about it compared to other fetishes. Like all fetishes, play ranges from the light to the extreme, and most subs prefer something on the lighter end of thing. A lot of tops are put off by the idea of public play, and thus quickly dismiss humiliation. But there's actually no need to bring in a third party for humiliation play. Choosing to ignore humiliation when your sub craves it can lead to a misunderstanding of your sub and his motivations. But most importantly, it can be fun to explore! While public and private humiliation are quite similar for the most part, I'm going to focus on the private angle in this post.

There are some acts enjoyed by submissives solely because they are humiliating, such as being forced to ejaculate on his own face or eat his own cum, but most are also tied directly to other fun, kinky fetishes. This tends to lead anyone with a humiliation fetish into a wide variety of areas. These include but are not limited to foot fetishes, rimming, spanking, blackmail, and feminization (such as maid play). Much of kink oriented play has a humiliation angle you can work with. There are some things you can do to make such play more humiliating, or make kinky play that's not necessarily humiliating, humiliating.

Actually, just the way you speak to or about your sub can be humiliating for him. Using belittling names such as "slave," "pet," "boy," "girl," or "missy" can be humiliating. As can degrading names such as "slut," "tart," "whore," "bitch," and "tramp." You can talk to him like a kid, and even scold him like a child. Another trick is to force him to repeat every command you give, as a confirmation. You can even go as far as having him confirm everything you say. As a side note, if you wanted to mix some humiliation into a regular day you can require him to ask permission to do anything, even go to the bathroom, but since this extends outside of play time it tends to eventually get annoying, for both of you. Nonetheless, it can be fun for an evening or day.

Another simple humiliation trick is to get your sub to admit he enjoys something very submissive or humiliating. I know, it's very meta, but it's true and often overlooked. If someone gets off on doing something humiliating, such as eating their own cum, then making them admit it is also humiliating. Whenever you're doing this, make the sub tell you in complete and full sentences. None of this, "Yeah, I do" crap. Have him tell you in a convincing manner, and in his own words. Make him repeat it, and then make him say it louder. You can take it further and have him ask or even beg for it. Perhaps even get him to beg for something you know he doesn't like.

Another way to make humiliating or submissive play more humiliating is to take pictures of your sub as you play. Even if you have no intention on sharing them, even if he knows you have have no intention of sharing them, it still makes thing more humiliating. It's true this sort of humiliation is heightened by the risk that you might show someone, so if you can come across as undecided on the matter, that will help. You can ponder out loud to yourself what reaction your sister, friend, neighbor, etc. might have if they were to see them. And ask him how embarrassed he would be if this person saw the pictures. You don't need a detailed response, you just want him thinking about what it would be like rather than if it would really happen. I also suggest avoiding bringing up his immediate family as you want him humiliated, not afraid. You can also reflect out loud on pictures as you take them. Don't tell him that he looks fat or strange at a certain angle; rather focus on elements of the scene that would be humiliating even for flattering pictures. Tell him what a good shot of his ass that was, or how clearly you could see his balls in that last one. That sort of thing. You can remark on how you couldn't imagine what you'd have to pay someone to pose for this sort of thing, but yet he is enjoying it. If he's not hard, make him erect or have him get himself erect, "so anyone who sees the pictures will know you are enjoying yourself."

Everything for pictures basically goes for video as well, but video tends to be more humiliating because it also records audio. You can do basically the same thing as you did with the pictures and it will work great. Since you are also recording what he says this opens up new ways to humiliate him. For example, you can ask things that are intentionally embarrassing. A fun approach to take is to set up the camera in a way that makes it look like he's doing these things on his own, and of his own accord. Stop the camera to direct him, and then start it up again when you're done speaking. Of course if you wanted to you could edit out your talking from the video, but really you'll most likely just end up deleting the videos and actively directing him off camera makes what you're doing more obvious and more humiliating. You could even combine this my earlier suggestion and film a "confession" of his perversion. You could even film it as if it were his personal video blog post.

I couldn't decide, but since small penis humiliation is actually becoming more common, I'm going to mention it briefly. However, I'd go as far as to say it's almost unrelated to the humiliation fetish. First of all, while it can be embarrassing, it mostly comes off as rude and debasing. It's akin to teasing someone about how fat they are. Secondly, it's not even true most of the time. I've seen quite a few cocks in real life and none have really stood out as being small. I'll admit I've seem some that were large, but none I would consider small. This break from reality makes it an alternative universe type of fantasy. These include fantasies where the women are giants, and fantasies where women rule the world and all men are slaves. It's just too far from reality for me to take seriously, and any humiliation based on something so obviously false just doesn't do it for a lot of people into humiliation. That is, unless they truly have a small cock, but then we're back to just being mean. As you can tell, I'm not a fan of small penis humiliation. I prefer to stick to real forms of humiliation. I suggest you stick to humiliation based on the sub's wonderful perversions, not his faults.

With the right approach most tasks can be humiliating and still be between just you and your pet. Verbal cues and your own reactions make the biggest difference. Somethings do become less humiliating quite quickly, but only because you get use to them and your reactions change. Sure, your sub can become numb to certain humiliating things, but with the right "encouragement" you can stretch out the life of such things greatly, perhaps even indefinitely. That said, I should add that the more fun you have with it, the more humiliating it will be; so be sure find things or approaches you enjoy, and don't worry too much about "wearing" them out. If you're having fun with it you'll stumble across or think of things that you can do in the future to keep the humiliation thriving.

Friday, July 22, 2011


I was getting rid of an old board game we've had forever, but decided to save the pair of dice. (Here are some digital dice.) I thought it would be great to mix a little randomness into our kink. Sure there are some obvious uses such as number of minutes to masturbate for, or number of clothes pins to put on, but surely there must be other, more clever uses, for dice. Unfortunately, all the dice games I found turned out to be extremely vanilla.

I decided to make up a little dice game for deciding what task my hubby will do for me. I made this with quick but kinky orgasms in mind. More specifically, to give him something to be doing at the point of orgasm.

For this you roll the pair of dice and line them up with the body part and task. Take the lowest numbered die to look up the body part, then use the highest numbered die to look up the given task. The beautiful thing about this is that it only allows certain actions. Since the lower numbered die picks the body part, you'll never get a "touch lightly" on "feet." Even if you picked the values of the two dice, you can't make a combination that allows it.
#body part
#given task
1touch lightly
4kiss lightly
5kiss passionately
6suck on

Here's another one I made up to help with quick and kinky sessions. This one is for deciding what to do to your sub. Again, lowest number chooses body part and higher number chooses the action. His balls can take every action, while his lips can only hold clothes pins. If you don't have an e-stim or shocking device, I suggest you replace it with a flick from a rubber band.
#body part
1hang weight
2wrap with rubber bands
3e-stim / shock
5wartenberg wheel
6clothes pins

I'll post other things as I come up with them. We'll see if this turns out to be a worth while venture. If anyone knows of any kinky dice games or can come up with any on their own feel free to leave a comment here or email me using the link on the right of my blog.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Classical Conditioning

With "classical conditioning," one stimulus of some significance is paired with one of little significance to form an innate, often reflexive, response to the "false" stimulus. Classical conditioning works on a subconscious level. If you experience A and B at the same time, and A causes C, then after enough paired repetitions, B will cause C. For example, if you jerk a man off while licking his nipples, and only lick his nipples when jerking him off, eventually you can give him an erection just by licking his nipples. The possibilities are endless. (And so you know this isn't pseudo science, here is a source talking about classical conditioning in which men are "trained" to get erections from black high heal shoes.)

The example above about licking nipples is a fun one to try, but it’s also fun to condition something less obvious arousal, something you can trigger in public or with others around. To do this you can associate a bracelet or worn item with arousal. Have him put on the item when he’s hard, and take it off when his erection starts to fade. Have him wear it when edging. Require he wear it for every orgasm, and remove it afterwards. The item itself will become associated with arousal, and by simply putting on that item, he can become aroused.

Another example of what you can do is to use an audio cue such as a bell or chime. Have your sub attach said noise-maker to his cock whenever you have sex. Each thrust creates a noise and the sound is paired with the good feelings. Once associated, you can have your sub wear the item in public. It doesn’t have to be around his cock, it can be around his wrist, neck, or whatever. Then as he walks he will constantly be thinking about sex, and be in a constant state of arousal. This will make your sub think of a particular thing, sex, rather than just the good feelings associated in the previous example. If you prefer to just instill arousal you can of course also have him wear the noise-maker while masturbating and each stroke will trigger both the noise and the good feelings.

My favorite thing to do is to condition a sub to want something he wouldn't normally want, something that pushes or tests his limits. With enough work you can get him to anticipate and even ask for such things. Pick something within your pet’s hard limits he wouldn’t want, something he would never ask for. Perhaps something you use as a punishment that you happen to enjoy. Maybe just something humiliating. When playing with your sub, and I mean physically stimulating him in some way, tell him what you are going to do to him. Don’t be skimpy on the details, elaborate as best you can. You want his mind focused on it. After you go through the of details of how, tell him what it’s going to feel like. You can repeat yourself if you run out of things to say about it. Keep him as hard as you can while you’re telling him all this. When your sub is all worked up and eager for orgasm, and fully anticipating his fate, make him ask for it. Don’t give in though, make him keep asking. After a little while, make him beg for it. Tell him to make it convincing. Have him tell you how much he wants it, and why. Only once you are really convinced do you follow through. This works surprisingly fast compared to the other examples because it uses a secondary trick. Just as people who are forced to smile tend to feel happy even if they weren’t happy before (source), a person begs for something, finds themselves really wanting it.

Conditioning can take a lot of repetition before it takes. And unfortunately in order for conditioning to hold you have to continue to reinforce it. If you condition your sub to get hard when you lick his nipples, you can have fun licking his nipples to get him excited, but if you don’t reinforce the association often enough, it will fade and licking his nipples will no longer arouse him. People vary by a lot in regards to conditioning, it doesn’t seem to be related to intelligence, so it’s not even worth guessing how often someone will need the conditioning. I tend to play it on the safe side and over do it, just to make sure my fun isn’t spoiled at an inopportune time. And really, how hard is it to give a little cock and ball massage after bring a man to attention by licking his nipples?

Even if you don’t want to condition your sub (come on, it’s fun!) it’s good to understand it. You could accidentally condition your sub to enjoy what are meant to be real punishments. Conditioning can be a fun toy, but it can also work against you. When you find a particular event, topic, or situation coming up often, think about what your resulting actions might be doing on a subconscious level.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Deserving of Orgasm?

I was at a local munch last week and I noticed a new girl who wasn't saying anything. Since conversing with one stranger is easier than a whole group of them, I went over to talk to her. She was fairly new to the lifestyle and a top in the relationship, so we had a lot to talk about. One thing that came up was how much trouble she had deciding if her boyfriend deserved an orgasm. She didn't want to stop and reflect back on the day looking for something that made her unhappy. And then if she found something, how does she weigh it against anything positive he might have done for her? My solution? A marble jar!

Get a wide mouth jar, a bag of black marbles, and a bag of white marbles. I prefer the contrast of black and white, so that's what I'll use in my description, but any two colors will work. Anytime your pet does something that pleases you, put a white marble in the jar. Anytime he does something you aren't happy with, put a black marble in. When it's time for him to come, out comes the jar. Shake it up a bit and have him pick one out at random, or randomly chose one yourself. If you're worried about him cheating you can have him hold the jar behind his back or over his head. If a white marble is chosen, he gets an orgasm, if a black marble is chosen he does not. Do not return the marble to the jar, but to the proper bag for it's color.

This is a surprisingly fair method to determine if your pet deserves to come. It's all very simple and easy. If you absolutely want him to come or not to come, then purposely pick out that marble. It's not cheating for you to look, but if you want him to think it's random then make sure he's blind folded or can't see you as you chose. To keep it fair and to make sure he's getting what he deserves, always do what the marble says! If he gets a black marble and you feel sorry for him, you can let him chose another marble again later the same day. (If he complains about a black marble, you can put it right back in for bitching.) If he gets a white marble despite bad behavior lately, then go with a ruined orgasm or some post orgasm torture.

It may be hard to find reasons to add marbles at first. To add black marbles you could make a list of pet peeves as I suggested in a more serious post about punishment. To keep this fair, warn your sub when there's something new that will earn him a black marble. The woman I mentioned earlier said her boyfriend's long showers bothered her. That's a great one, just let him know it'll earn him a black marble when he hits the 10 minute mark. Of course for things that aren't quite so "picky," feel free to drop in a black marble. Just mention what it's for so he associates the appropriate action with the black the marble. As for white marbles, you could one whenever your sub brings you to orgasm, or whenever he does something thoughtful. For example, whenever he makes you dinner or brings you a gift. I suggest his asking if he "earned a white marble" be a black marble offense. It's not necessarily, but keep the idea in mind though as some men can get annoying about such things.

There are several ways to deal with an empty jar. I prefer an empty jar resulting in no orgasm. Since him giving you an orgasm adds a white marble to the jar, you simply get to come first when the jar is empty. That's how it should usually be anyway. You could always go with an empty jar meaning orgasm is allowed, but then has he really earned it? The other solution is to add some starter marbles to the jar as soon as it's empty. If you throw in just one white and one black marble, his actions have a bigger effect on his odds of having an orgasm, and it keeps things interesting. Will he be allowed orgasm or not? You can go with 5 of each if that sounds like more fun to you. Or even 1 to 10 white marbles and no black, if your sub is accustom to having orgasms every time. If you find yourself running out of marbles too often then try assigning tasks and chores, which if completed satisfactorily and within the given time frame, earn a white marble, otherwise result in a black marble.

This is a fair but fun spirited way to decide if your sub gets an orgasm, and you don't have to feel guilty or second guess the decision. While you could use the jar approach just some of the time, it loses it's "fairness." If you decide your sub doesn't get to come without taking a black marble out, he may feel cheated. If you decide he gets to come without taking a white marble out, then you're getting cheated. If you're indecisive about letting your pet come, then try out this marble jar approach. It will really take the pressure off of you, and it's a great dynamic for the relationship.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Anilingus, A.K.A. Rimming

As kids, we're constantly told not to put dirty things in our mouths. So it's no surprise that of all forms of anal play, anilingus is most likely to cause repulsion in your partner. Anilingus (sometimes spelled analingus) is commonly known as "rimming," or as a "rim job," but "tossing the salad" is becoming a more common term as well. If this doesn't sound like your thing, please don't run away quite yet!

Have you ever gotten turned on from someone sucking or nibbling on your earlobe? Nipples? Or when someone kisses the back of your neck? Well this is the dominant equivalent. The anal opening is highly sensitive, and it's stimulation can produce erotic sensations and sexual excitement. It feels good. Having an orgasm while receiving a rim job is a wonderful experience. I don't even want to admit how much I enjoy it. If you've never experienced this, put it on your to-do list. It can also be very humiliating and degrading for your sub. There is hardly a more submissive act than licking someone else's asshole. Some even consider it the ultimate act of submission. I've found that while a lot of subs won't bring it up, when asked, a majority of them are interested. If it isn't a hard limit for your sub - and this is different than scat, poop does not come into play here - then make a goal to try it out. It's truly a bonding experience for a domme and her sub.

When rimming, your sub should use both his lips and tongue. Have your sub work up and down your ass crack, teasing your asshole. As he focuses in he can work circles around your pucker, and go back and forth over it. Then have him "kiss" you right on your starfish; softly at first, but working up to a passionate kiss. Poking in gently with his tongue and making circles - this is probably where the name rimming comes from. I also suggest you have him work his tongue in and out more deeply to see if you enjoy that sensation. I prefer the tongue going in a little and working the rim of my asshole. Have your sub play around to find what you like best. I suggest you try masturbating at the same time. Not only because it can help you relax and enjoy the experience, but because the two really do go well together.

People think there is a high risk of disease with rimming, but it's simply not true for monogamous couples. The biggest danger is Hepatitis A, which can be transmitted from oral-anal contact. But if you don't have it, you aren't going to give it to anyone. You can't transmit a disease you don't have! This simply makes the raw act only for those in monogamous relationships. On that note, it's always a good idea to get your play partner(s) and yourself tested once things start to get serious. If you are unsure of your partner or simply want to minimize all risks of infection, you can use a dental dam, but it's really not the same experience. A much better solution is to use a piece of plastic wrap. (Yes, it's safe.) You can "glue" it into place using a bit of lube. You can even tuck it into your asshole with a finger - or tongue - to hold it in place. The sensations is almost identical this way and it preserves the visuals which add to the dominating and humiliating effects of the act.

If you aren't using a dental dam or plastic wrap, but want to be extra clean, you can give yourself an enema beforehand. Either way, I suggest you shower and clean the area with soap before you play. If you're worried about what your sub might taste, I've discovered a useful trick. Lube up a thin dildo, anything you're comfortable with, and work it in and out of your ass for a couple minutes, or even have your sub do it for you. Wipe it off, and start again with more lube. VoilĂ , no taste left but that of the lube! If you go the enema route because you're worried about your sub's experience, I still suggest following up with a lubed dildo. It really does work.

One thing you should avoid is your sub going from ass to pussy. You probably know this, but just in case some don't, the vagina has an entirely different culture than your ass and you should be careful not to bring anything over from your ass. If your pet is going to move on to cunnilingus, have him rinse his mouth with mouthwash first, and always clean any toys and etc. before going from ass to vagina. It's easy to get lost in the heat of the moment and break this rule. Hell, I've done it myself! But at least know the risks ahead of time and watch closely for any signs of infection afterwards. There's a greatly increased risk of getting a UTI and you can get a nasty yeast infection from it as well.

I know this sounds like a lot of warnings, but with a little bit of caution it's really quite safe. It's also highly enjoyable and a great bonding experience for you and your sub. If you're still unsure, don't overthink it; just do it. You only experience the pleasurable side of it, and many subs find it to be a deeply satisfying and submissive experience. If your pet is unsure about it, tell him it isn't for his pleasure but yours. This reinforces your dominance and will help put him in a submissive mood. If he really doesn't like it, he can always use his safe word. If your sub is hesitant, or you're just looking for a more enthusiastic participant, make sure he's really horny first. Make him do it before he can come after a session of teasing and denial, or at the end of a period of denied orgasms. Subs are always most perverted when they're at their horniest.