Punishments Done Right

Punishments are a strange thing in the BDSM world, as they are often longed for and fantasized about. If you aren't careful, punishment can have the opposite effect. I'd like to point out that there are two types of punishment; the first type are just a fun part of kinky play, and the second are an honest deterrence to behavior. I call these fun punishments and real punishments, respectively. Sometimes people call the fun punishments "funishments," but I think it takes something away from allure if you outright stop calling them punishments. Both types have their place, but the community mostly focuses on the playful end of things. Kinky stories and other femdom erotica, which are usually written by men, are filled with punishments that subs would just love to endure. Whereas serious punishments are harder to find.

Fun punishments should never be used in response to something you don't want your sub to do. Likewise, they should only be used in a manner that your sub will know is playful. This doesn't mean you can't role play a fun punishment as if it were a real punishment, but even if you're acting otherwise, it should only be done with things that you are obviously not really upset about. For example, when my pet is massaging my legs and thighs (all the way up please) I might tell him if he gets hard I'll have to punish him with a spanking, or make him go down on me, etc. It doesn't even have to make sense. You can pick pretty much anything you two enjoy for a fun punishment and any excuse to exact said punishment. All you have to do is act like it's a punishment; tell him he's been a naughty boy and must suffer with the consequences. This sort of "discipline" is a lot of fun and you can find countless great ideas online.

However, the topic often overlooked is real punishment, and that's what I'd like to focus on. This is part of what's often called domestic discipline. The goal with domestic discipline is usually behavioral change and it can be achieved. To me, this is one of the most overlooked perks of being a dominant in a serious D/s relationship. It allows you to changes things about your partner that you could only complain about in a vanilla relationship. Most subs love the whole "training" aspect, but even those who don't fantasize about it are often still turned on by the idea. You get a well behaved sub and they get what they enjoy, being treated like your pet. So even with real punishments, both sides enjoy the power exchange.

One thing to keep in mind when dealing with real punishments is to avoid discipline that's difficult or hard on you. If something is a lot of trouble, then it's also a punishment for you. The exception of course is if it's something you really enjoy, then it becomes a labor of love. Perhaps you really enjoy pegging and your guy hates it, then this is still an acceptable punishment for serious infractions. But most men love pegging and a good amount of women don't get much enjoyment from it. So, again, be careful with what you use as a punishment. Don't let your sub trick you into using a fun punishment in the place of a real one! Due to the power exchange involved in being disciplined, it's normal for the thought or act of discipline to turn your sub on. Any punishment has the potential to make a submissive more horny, and there's nothing wrong with this as long as the punishment itself isn't something he enjoys or looks forward to.

The most important thing I've learned over the years is that real punishments in a femdom dynamic should always have a sexual element to them. You don't want your sub to be angry with you about being punished. Having a sexual element involved connects to him on a low, submissive, sexual level, and reminds him that training is something he wants as well. This association will also help your sub accept his punishment and negate any resentment, even when he feels he's being punished unfairly. If purely sexual punishments don't work for you, it's also fairly easy to add a sexual element to otherwise normal punishments. For example, one vanilla punishment might be standing in the corner for 15 minutes. To add a sexual element to this, have your sub wear weights from his balls for those 15 minutes as well. If he is to clean the yard as part of a punishment, make him wear a butt plug.

I've had the most success and happiest subs with punishments that are entirely sexual in nature. My personal favorite is ball spankings. I like the term "spanking" because it even sounds harsh. It's the punishment I most commonly give my husband for breaking any of the "pet rules." The pet rules started out as a list of my pet peeves, pun intended, but I've since added other offenses to the list, such as not getting the door for me and leaving the lights on when he leaves a room. When he breaks a pet rule, I let him know as soon as possible that he will be getting a ball spanking for the infraction. This can be tricky when it happens in public but do try to mention it as soon as possible in case your sub didn't realize his transgression. If, by the end of the day, he's earned any punishment, I'll tell him to get himself ready for his ball spanking. This means he is to undress, secure himself to the bed, and wait for me. If he is hard, I wait until he's not hard. I like to hold his balls with one hand while I spank with the other so it's more like a spanking and less like a slapping. When we begin I ask him what he did wrong, if I have to remind him then he's earned extra! You want him thinking about what he did and to associate it with the punishment. While fixed punishments work, I like to give myself discretion in deciding the actual number of spankings. I start with a few spanks for a first time offense and increase it each time it happens, possibly decreasing back down if he hasn't broken the rule lately. How many will vary from sub to sub depending not only on their tolerance but how hard you spank. Make him count each spank out loud, an extra if he doesn't count quickly enough. With pets new to this you'll have to tell them what to do every step of the way, but they learn quickly, especially if you give them an extra spank for needing to be reminded. All you should need to say is, "go get ready for your ball spanking."

This brings up the second most important part of a proper punishment: Ritual. Since the term punishment is used both playfully and seriously in the community, it's absolutely paramount that your sub knows when he's really being punished. As I've mentioned before, I'm not big a fan of protocol, but this is one situation that really should have an "official" procedure. Unlike most protocol, this serves a very specific purpose. You don't want any uncertainty between what's a real punishment and what isn't. Your sub should never be confused over whether he's being punished or not! (And trust me, nothing feels worse than finding out your sub thought he was being punished when you were only playing.) With a protocol in place, your sub will know for certain that you are unhappy with what he did. Having a set procedure also serves to build up to the punishment and effectively draws it out. This not only gives the sub more time to regret and reflect on what he's done wrong, but it makes the punishment more memorable. This helps the effectiveness of training.

Despite the advantages it provides, I've found that over time it's easy to let parts of your ritual slip. To you it may seem like nothing, but subs often interpret this to mean you don't care as much. Worse, the entire ritual can eventually fall by the side and now your sub will be even more easily confused if he's in trouble or not - having the opposite effect we first intended. Other than just being vigilant about the process, I've found the trick is to leave any preparation to your sub. In my case I have my sub not only undress, but cuff his ankles to either corner of the bed and his hands together over his head with the cuffs looping around the frame of the headboard. This approach not only makes it easier on you, which I'm all about, but is a great way of keeping your ritual. If your sub forgets something, a little extra punishment will help him remember the next time and it eventually becomes habit.

Since I'm on the topic of CBT or ballbusting as a punishment, I just want to interject a warning. This is a popular fetish among submissive men so it's important to be careful your sub isn't enjoying it more than he's disliking it. There are two kinds of masochistic subs. Those who get harder from pain, or prefer they are hard during it, and those that will go soft from pain, or don't mind being soft during it. I think most tops prefer guys from the first group, but there are a lot out there from the second. Those from the second category make painful punishment a little more tricky. With any kind of pain play you typically start light and work your way up. The endorphins build up slowly and your sub can enjoy more and more pain. The trick with any kinky punishment is to administer it before the endorphins kick in. You can usually get a really good pain response from your sub without going further - or much further - than you would during normal play time! And there's no added risk of injury in such a situation. I've seen people who play harder with their pets than they punish them because the sub has a much more subdued reactions during playtime where pain builds up over time. It can be a mental block for some tops and I understand the concern that you might go too far, especially if you don't have a lot of experience yet. That said - going back to the recommended punishment of ball spanking - balls can take a lot of abuse. You can be rather rough with them without doing lasting damage. In fact it takes less pressure to break a rib than to rupture a testicle. So the strategy is simple. Don't start slowly. Do it fast and do it hard. If he's getting an erection then stay ahead of the endorphin curve and hit him harder. I even have a friend who will intentionally get her sub hard and then spank his balls until he goes soft. Just remember, balls can take a lot. Don't be nice, be serious. Here's an example where the sub counts out 50 spankings. And for the more dedicated, here's an example of a 1 minute spanking with a padded paddle where the sub is gagged.

Another real punishment I often use with my hubby is orgasm denial followed by a ruined orgasm, particularly in the case where he comes when he's not allowed. While certainly not a necessary component, I do feel it fits the crime. He doesn't enjoy going week(s) without being allowed to come, and he knows the resulting orgasm won't be any good after all that build up so it works as a serious punishment. With different subs you'll need different amounts of time to get the same effect. With some, it won't work at all, and with others you may find a ruined orgasm at the end of regular play session is effective on it's own. Just make sure he knows it's coming and make sure he knows it's meant as a punishment; again, think ritual! Make him tell you why he's being punished, be clinical about it, etc. Also, because denial is a punishment that occurs over a period of time, I have him tell me why he is not allowed to come each time there's a missed opportunity. During such punishments I like to make my subs masturbate more, and will make excuses to play with them just so they have to tell me why they are being denied. The repetition really helps prevent repeat offenses.

Dealing with a sub in orgasm denial can be tricky as well. Some subs will ask or even beg for less time in orgasm denial. Ironically, I find these are often the ones who've fantasized about it the most. It often turns out they like the fantasy more than the reality of it. If your sub starts asking for a reduced sentence, add a day. They learn quickly, and trust me, it can get on your nerves fast. If a sub isn't asking for less time, but is still complaining, make a rule that any complaint related to punishment must include a thank you, or you'll add a day. I do both of these things and it makes orgasm denial much easier to administer. If he comes during this punishment due to a fault of his own, then we start over and his cock isn't allowed any physical stimulation. But I'm lenient here because this kind of inactive denial can have a huge emotional effect. I can also admit when I'm partially to blame, especially if he warned me he was close. In those cases we simply start the denial period over again. If it happened at his own hands I like to double the time.

I've had other pets in the past who would intentionally make trouble when I announced this was the punishment. You may be surprised how men who love their orgasm so much will want to not have one so badly, but it's often about the fantasy. As I mentioned earlier, when actually playing they almost always want that orgasm. When it comes down to it, many realize it's not what they really wanted, and they regret making trouble. What they really want is for you to take control of their orgasms as part of your control over them. (Which I suggest you do anyway.) The lesson here? Some subs fantasize about punishments they'll actually hate. So don't rule out a punishment just because your sub has fantasized about it in the past. In the same vein, don't be angry if they test you on any new punishment or rule, but be sure to follow through! There's no fixed set of what works as a deterrent. You just have to try things out and see if behavior improves. If things are actually getting worse then it's most likely your sub is enjoying the punishment too much. Don't be afraid to step up the intensity of a punishment your sub may be enjoying to see if that helps, though you may have to try something different if you aren't getting the results you want.

Getting started is easier than you'd think. I suggest sitting down with your sub and establishing some rules so he knows what he'll be punished for. In heavier power exchange relationships it's not uncommon to reserve the right to punish the sub for things that aren't on the list, but especially in new relationships, a formal list will help set expecations for your sub. This will also help you remember what rules you are enforcing. As for some examples of the type of things you can fix, here are a couple of my pet peeves: the toilet left up, an empty toilet paper roll, clothes not in the laundry basket, towels on the floor, plates not in the sink, trash next to the garbage bin, and trash not taken out on trash day. I suggest adding anything that bothers you. All the rules don't have to be serious either, some can be fun. I have a bigger list of rules here if you want more ideas. When he does something wrong, you will get the best results if you punish him as soon as possible so he associates it with the punishment. Alternatively, some people will pick a particular day of the week to take care of punishments. If you prefer to wait, or have to because others are around, do your best to point out transgressions to him at the time they happen. Either way, always ask him why he's being punished when you are about to punish him; you want him thinking about what he did wrong when he's being punished.

To review, a good punishment should be sexual in nature or at the very least have a strong sexual element to it. Most subs will melt when this approach is used, and it helps avoid arguing and resentment. Pick a punishment that's easy on you, and try it out a few times. If it's not working, try a different punishment. There should be a set protocol as to how it's done to completely distinguish it from any type of playful punishment. Also keep in mind that you'll get much better results if you're consistent with punishment. With the right approach, your sub will not only behave better, but he's going to feel more submissive and horny. And that's always a good thing.

Orgasm Control & Chastity

As I stated before, I'm a big fan of chastity devices. Given the opportunity to orgasm, a sufficiently horny man will always do so. Maybe I have trust issues, but the subs I've played with have proven this over and over again. I don't blame men for it, it's just how they're wired. If you don't use a chastity device, then your sub is coming when he's not allowed, I can almost assure you this is true. However, as a top, you have some say in this matter. If you're worried about sounding like you don't trust your significant other, play it off as a sexy game. I mean, after all, it is a sexy game.

Most people are turned on by a partner who is insatiability horny, and denial makes this possible. Think of a time in your past when someone you were with was horny but unable to come, and thus kept horny over an extended period of time. Perhaps you were simply somewhere that made playing or finishing impossible. Maybe it was a punishment, or maybe it was due to something as unsexy as medication or an interruption requiring immediate attention. You may be surprised to find it leads directly to, or coincides with, a time when you yourself were very horny. You may have even finished yourself off, but still wanted more. There must be something in our biology (pheromones?) that makes us hornier when our partner is yearning for sexual release. This is a great reason and a great excuse to use a chastity device to limit your sub's orgasms.

Personally, something that bothers me is the thought of my sub giving himself sexual release. When I get serious with a sub I insist any orgasm he gets come from me, or in some cases, from a device at my direction. (There's something sexy about a pitiless, unforgiving machine ruthlessly working away on a helpless individual. But that's another fetish altogether.) Sure sometimes I get really busy, but I'm never too busy for a 2 to 5 minute quickie should I decide that's what he needs. I don't even mind if he gets himself right to the very edge and I just finish him off with a few quick strokes or the tip of my finger, as long as it's me that pushes him over the top. I suppose this gives me importance, but it's really more than that. And it's not a misguided attempt to fulfill my "role" as the dominant sexual figure in the relationship, it's about being the focus of his sexual energy. It just feels right.

Now, nothing is foolproof, but a chastity device provides some peace of mind, and it helps take the temptation away from your boy. Some subs may fantasize about wearing the device 24 hours a day, but there are many downsides to this. If worn 24/7, a chastity device can also cause a loss of elasticity in the tissue of the cock, and erections will start to get smaller and softer. "Use it or lose it" as they say! Sleeping in a chastity device will also be very difficult and painful for someone new to it. Nightly erections are hardest to control and the pain they cause will often wake someone in a chastity device, at least until their bodies learn not to get erect at night. (This research article states men are erect for an average of 2 hours and 18 minutes each night! This article finds the lack of nightly erections to be correlated with erectile dysfunction.) Even if, given all this, you still want to keep your sub in chastity 24/7, I suggest you let him out daily for some teasing or at the very least, some monitored masturbation to curb these side effects. Having a sub wear a chastity device 24/7 does nothing for me, and proves nothing to me. So despite everything I said earlier, I primarily use chastity devices to remind the sub of the control I have over him, and only secondly to make sure he isn't coming without permission.

Chastity devices work by preventing the wearer from masturbating. Without being able to masturbate, your sub can't sneak in an orgasm and lie about it. However, I like my subs as horny as possible and preventing someone from masturbating is not conducive to this wonderful predicament. Men are also well known for masturbating even in sexually fulfilling relationships. The loss of impromptu masturbation scares some men away from the idea, and the lack of masturbation can even make some men depressed. It's almost cruel in this regard, but there's an easy solution. Just make your sub masturbate - orgasm not required - when you're around. If he seems a little down, or even just less horny, make him masturbate more.

I also want to emphasize that using a chastity device doesn't mean no sex. And again, orgasm denial doesn't mean no sex. Chastity devices can be removed for play. Just because you have sex, or play in other ways, doesn't mean your sub needs to have an orgasm. Orgasms don't just come out of nowhere and surprise you. If your sub is eager to please you, or knows there's punishment to be had, they won't come during sex if they aren't allowed. Even if they can't put their mind somewhere else, they can simply pause. If they aren't the ones in the position to pause, they can let you know when they are getting close. This goes for most types of play. Don't let orgasm denial prevent you from doing anything!

I insist my husband wear a chastity device, but I don't make him wear the device 24 hours a day. He's only required to wear it when we won't be around each other. Some people have fantasies of going months, or even years without coming, and I'd be happy to indulge such a fantasy - as long as the sex is still good for me. But my husband has no such fantasies. Upon agreeing to wear the chastity device, he gets a chance at an orgasm every other day. Specifically, there is no upper limit to the number of times per day I may make him come, but since things can pop up in our busy lives, I try for no less than every other day, with the occasional 2 day span. I've been asked, why use a chastity device if you're only preventing him from coming one or two days? For me it's about control, and the reminder to him that I'm in control. Throw a masturbation schedule in with the denial, and you have one madly horny sub. It also comes in handy for punishments where he is denied for longer period of times. In these cases he does go longer than a few days, and it often ends in a ruined orgasm just to emphasize what he's missing out on.

I recommend a good sterile plastic chastity device, although there are good metal ones too. Generally a good chastity device will cost about $150. I just checked and you can get them for about $50 to $100 on Amazon. I've used the CB3000 the most. I found the CB2000 to be too bulky (edit: it is no longer made), but the CB6000 is a good alternative. It's suppose to be more comfortable, harder to get out of, and harder to see under clothing. For larger men there's The Curve. But everyone is different and I can't say what will work for your guy. Needless to say, there are a lot to choose from. If you want to see other options you can find more on Amazon for a reasonable price, and a more complete listing on Stockroom and ExtremeRestraints. Some devices come with just one key, but most with two; make note of this when ordering. While not completely necessary, I suggest that if your lock comes with a single key, you pick up a new lock that has two keys. You can find them at any hardware store. Keep one on your key chain, so you won't leave it at home on accident. And hide the other somewhere in the house, so you can tell him where it is if there's an emergency or you lose your keys.

My husband has orgasms much more frequently than other subs I've "owned." I don't remember exactly how it came about anymore, but I felt he was hornier on this schedule. And although it works, a lot of subs are good with even just a weekly schedule. This may even be ideal since hormones peak on the 7th day before dropping down again (citation). If you can talk your guy into going 7 days at a time then give it a try! You may find you have more fun with it the hornier your pet gets. If you frequently go for longer periods, you should milk the prostate every 10 days for health reasons. I guess this might make 10 days ideal then? I got this number from my doctor years ago. When I explained we sometimes played with a device that could stop even nocturnal emissions, he said he wouldn't recommend abstaining longer than 10 days on a regular basis. I'm not sure if he just pulled that number out of his ass, but I've held to it. When searching I do run across a multitude of studies that found people who come more often have less prostate cancer. My solution to emptying the prostate is milking. But in a busy schedule like mine, I don't want to worry about that. In the rare case that I deny my husband longer than a week but less than a month, I'll skip the milking. I think it's really only an issue when someone goes multiple months, or frequently goes more than a week at a time. That said, this is another risk to be aware of.

Let me quickly go over how this all fits this into our day. When we wake up my sub masturbates for 20 minutes as I start to get ready for work. He leaves for work shortly after I do, but before I leave I make sure he's put on the chastity device. I use to help him with it, but it goes faster without me. I just give it a little tug to check it. If I'm in a hurry to leave he can even put the device on before showering. You can shower with most modern chastity devices on - a feature I suggest you check for. After work, when I'm fairly certain there's nowhere else I need to go for the day, I will take off his chastity device. This tends to be before dinner, but sometimes it's after. There's really nothing to worry about at this point. If he has to go back out without me I usually make him put it back on. If he has to use the bathroom the door stays partly open, or closed but unlocked if someone is around. Sure he could try to sneak off to a quiet corner and rub one out but he isn't going to risk getting caught. He knows how upset I'd be and what the punishment is, so it just isn't worth the risk. He masturbates again once more before bed, or if we're going to play, before we start. I get the best of both worlds. A sub who's horny from masturbating, but one who doesn't bring himself to orgasm. What an ideal combination.

Horny Sub, Happy Sub

I love to say it, a horny sub is a happy sub. It's a broad generalization, but it's actually true for the most part. If you don't believe it, pay attention to when your sub is horniest, and compare it to how happy he is when he is least horny. The diffidence may be subtle between slightly different degrees of horniness, but I bet if you compared his happiness when most horny, to his happiness when least horny, you would notice quite the difference. And although misery loves company, being around someone who's happy will tend to lift your spirits. So it's in both our interests for my dear hubby to be as horny as possible. The best way to do this is frequent masturbation but infrequent orgasms. This post will focus on frequent masturbation, and the next post will focus on infrequent orgasms.

The best way ensure regular masturbation by your sub is to put him on a masturbation schedule. This is controlling and fun, so it's a win-win. I do want to stress this is only masturbation, not orgasm - I am a big fan of chastity devices, but I'll get into that next time. The key to a good schedule is starting the day with a masturbation session. If it's not the very first thing, then it's as soon as possible. Also, if you're going to allow your sub an orgasm, I recommend doing so only at night; ideally less than an hour before bed. Yes, often times a sub is happier after orgasm, but it doesn't last. I've noticed time and again that when I've let subs come in the morning, they are noticeably less happy and less attentive by evening. Other times I have noticed an immediate drop in mood (as described here). There are always reasons not to follow this pattern, but if you do, your sub will be horny during most of his waking hours. Happiness.

The masturbation schedule I have set up changes from time to time. Sometimes I add something new, remove something that isn't as fun anymore, or adjust it to fit relaxed or increased time limitations. Currently my hubby masturbates for 20 minutes when we wake up in the morning. If he gets close to orgasm he is to stop for a minute before resuming. That minute doesn't count toward the 20. Again, he is not allowed to come. I leave for work before him so I'm getting ready during this time, but I'm around enough to check on him. He is again required to masturbate for another 20 minutes in the evening. Like before, stopping for a minute if he gets too close. You can also schedule a masturbation sessions for your sub at lunch as well, but my pet wears a chastity device to work so this isn't an option for us. If he's had a bad day, is being moody, or I otherwise think he needs attitude adjustment, I will have him masturbate for an extra 20 minutes as soon as possible. I refer to a masturbation session as "exercise" when in public. So I can say things like, "When we get home, you better exercise."

You might be wondering, why 20 minutes? Or, why add something extra to it? One study suggested the most desirable amount of time between the beginning of intercourse and orgasm to be between 7 and 13 minutes. Another I can't source saying frustration starts to set in after 15 minutes of masturbation without orgasm. So 20 minutes seemed just enough to make any sub eager for orgasm. The added activities and restrictions, are chosen to make the sub more horny. If your sub doesn't seem to be experiencing this eagerness to orgasm, or isn't getting close during the time you have subscribed, rather than adding more time, I suggest you try adding additional tasks, or even a vibrator to the mix. Yes, men can use vibrators too, although oftentimes they need a stronger vibrator than you use. If you have any estim toys, getting those involved might help as well. Sometimes an extra push is only needed in the morning or at night.

A not so recent addition to my hubby's evening masturbation is that he has to lay on his back with his legs lifted up over and past his head. His cock points right at his face, and he is to reach for his mouth as he masturbates. My goal is for him to be able to suck his own cock, which you have to admit, is a bit sexy. Even if he never makes it, I like the position because it adds a little something extra for him if he "accidentally" comes. I've told him if he comes he is to stay in that position until he's emptied his whole load on his face, although I suspect this makes an accident more likely. I don't know if he will ever reach his cock, but it's spiced things up a little, and that's good.

You can give other tasks like these to accompany the masturbation. One common task is to have your sub stretch their balls by hanging weights from them, or to stretch their ass using increasingly larger dildos. I don't care for either of those personally, but if you like the idea then it's a reasonable addition. Another thing you can set to accompany masturbation is self-CBT. These are things like making him wear vampire gloves as he strokes himself. Or having him tie his balls up with one end of a string or rope, and then tying the other end of it to his hand; tying them close enough together that he can't get a full stroke without tugging tightly on his balls. However, I enjoy the reactions CBT elicits. So not only would I hate to miss out on them, but I worry the sub will build up a resistance to such sensations, which lessens his reactions when I want to play. Nonetheless, it might be a good addition to your sub's scheduled masturbation if he needs something extra to get him close, or if it makes him horny beyond reason.

Another fun idea is to have him repeat a "mantra" while masturbating. What I enjoy doing with these is having my sub say something degrading or embarrassing if others were to hear it. For example, "I am a slave to my cock. I will do anything for an orgasm." Or, "I want to be tied up and teased but not allowed to come." The other type of thing you could have him say is something you want him to remember. Such as, "I am jerking off, but will not come." Or, "My cock belongs to your name here, I will do anything she asks." Thinking about it now, I'll probably have to add a mantra back in again. At least in the mornings to work him up a little more. (He'll just have to say it loud enough for me to hear while I'm getting ready.)

You can also add restrictions. The most common I've seen suggested is to make a sub use only his non-dominant hand, as this makes it more difficult. Since the idea is for him to be as horny as possible, this doesn't help. Maybe if you're having him masturbate to completion then it makes sense, but why do that? Restricting vision is a fun one. By making a sub blindfold himself, he doesn't know if you, or someone else, might be watching. This means he can't masturbate differently when he knows you're not watching. Another restriction is no lubricant. I know I'm sadistic because I deeply enjoy the thought of someone wanting to be played with despite being sore and chaffed. However, my husband doesn't find anything about chaffing to be sexy, so I only use it as an added punishment when I can.

I'll touch more on punishments at a later time, but I should mention them briefly. It defeats the whole point of exercising if your sub comes. What I do, and what I recommend, is that when a sub has an accident during his scheduled masturbation, the punishment is to take away his orgasm privileges, and when he is finally allowed to come, it's a ruined orgasm. It's a simple and easy deterrent. This doesn't mean no playing for you, you can still play with him if you feel like it; he just doesn't get to come. I don't have a set amount of time for this punishment, I like to say it's on a case by case basis. If you haven't been restricting orgasms I suggest starting with a week. During this time my hubby is still required to masturbate according to schedule in the morning, but has to go twice as long in the evening. Some tops like to suspend masturbation as well, but I don't agree with that. Is it really much of a punishment to stop him from having orgasms if he isn't even thinking about them? Isn't it worse if he can think of nothing else? Orgasm denial with forced masturbation is a much better punishment. Of course if he comes during this punishment then it gets serious. I double the time, and to prevent further accidents his cock isn't allowed any physical stimulation. He can still do things such as go down on me, but it limits our play greatly. I try to make the best of it, but it is less fun.

How do you work around his masturbation schedule? You don't have to; just play when you want. I prefer to play right after an exercise session, or if I'm interested in playing, I'll often make the sub masturbate before we start. He squirms that much more, and is that much more vocal. Both of which I love. If you're interested in some penetration and you know he's going to have to pause too often to avoid coming, then sure, play before he exercises or let him cool down after. I will reiterate that while I've suggested you only let a sub come late in the day, you can play any time you want. Just don't let him come too early in the day. This may seem obvious, but it's lost on some. Maybe you think it's only fair to let a sub come after playing with him or teasing him, but you have to get past that idea. If you think like this you will feel pressured to make him come every time you play, and this will take the fun out of it. It will feel like an obligation. Add to that the fact that if it's early in the day, he'll likely be less fun to be around later, and there's no need for that. Again, there are exceptions to every rule, perhaps you are doing a series of orgasms for the day, whatever. Just don't think you owe him an orgasm right now because you had fun. I don't think I've met a sub who wouldn't think it's sexy to hear, "I want you to be as horny as possible, so I'm not going to let you come right now." In fact, telling your pet that you're doing this to keep him horny, will not only make it more fun for him, but make him more horny.

Following Through

I've played with enough subs to know these next two suggestions are golden, whether you're in a time restricted relationship or not. Every situation is different and everyone has their limits, but as far as general advice goes, this is some of my best. These will help keep your dominant role both strong and rewarding.

My first suggestion is, always follow through with what you say. This is harder than it sounds, but nothing shows your dominance like following through. Not to mention, one of the worst feelings is telling a sub you are going to do something to him, only to have have him laugh thinking it's a joke or shrug it off in disbelief. Following through not only prevents this, but ensures you are taken seriously. Any threats will be taken to heart. Your words will be much more intense and sexy.

Part of this is learning how to say things in ways that leave you options. Above all else, be careful with absolutes. They can put you in a difficult spot when you're short on time or otherwise don't want to follow through. If the rule or demand might be hard to follow, give an out, an alternative. One example being, "or you won't come for a week."

Another element is remembering what you said. If you have a tendency to forget things then make notes. You could send them to yourself in an email or save them on your phone or desktop. I also suggest you get your sub help. Threaten to punish him if you forget something and he doesn't remind you. You could test him occasionally by pretending to forget.

If you're short on time or the task is too difficult for you or your sub, play with the semantics and technicality of what you said. If you said, "If you come now I'm going to make you eat your own cum." And your sub comes, but you're in no position to follow through, say "OK, I warned you. Just wait until next time, I'm going to make you eat your own cum." It's hard for some men to eat their cum after orgasm; if you think you might have trouble with this, make him eat some pre-cum when you're playing and tell him this is his punishment. If you play with semantics and technicalities too often your sub may try the same thing "But technically..." To which I suggest you respond, "You know what I meant!"

My second suggestion, is to make your sub follow through with unfulfilled fantasies. Not only will you and your sub find this satisfying, but it's a bonding experience as well. Most men immediately lose interest in anything kinky the second they orgasm. This rules out any fantasies that outlast the orgasm itself. This commonly includes fantasies such as eating their own cum (straight, cream pie, etc.), and post orgasm torture. The other type of fantasies that don't get followed through with are ones which prevent full or frequent orgasms. This includes orgasm denial, chastity (devices), and ruined orgasm fantasies.

You should never feel bad about making someone go through with their fantasies, even if they don't want to follow through at the exact moment it's needed. Tell them what you are going to do or make them do while you're playing. Remind them throughout the session. If they know you are serious (see my first suggestion), this will make them much more hard and excited. And that right there is all the proof you need to follow through. They will immediately think about what happened next time they get horny. You will be tied to their fantasies. Next time they're masturbating and that fantasy pops up, it will be you they are thinking about.

About Me

Rather than try to fit an about me into 1200 letters I decided to make my first post About Me. I may try to condense this into my profile at some point, but I'd much rather find a way to link here.

First, the name. I chose "Lazy Domme" not because I don't enjoy topping, but because I have to fit my play into a busy life. I'm secure enough in my work ethic to use the term lazy. When I say lazy I mean "requiring little effort," not "unwilling to make an effort." And really, it just means I'm a top who enjoys quick and easy fun.

I work full time, but I'm salaried, so I easily work more than 40 hours a week. I also have a beautiful daughter, whom I love spending time with. And I have a wonderful and kinky husband. That being the case I am constantly coming up with ways to fit more kinky fun into my life without larger time investments, and I am constantly looking for new ideas.

I have quite a few kinks, so rather than attempt listing them all, I'll just say they are generally in the realm of female domination. I'm not a big fan of strap-ons, but I do enjoy discipline, orgasm control, and power exchange in general. I tend to be less visual and more about feelings and sounds. The whimpers a sub gives when squeezing his balls, or the moans he makes when edging can really get me going.

I'd hate to come across as bragging, or as a slut, but I've gotten a lot of BDSM related experience over the years. I've found that being a kinky and sexually dominant woman is truly a rare thing. As such I've had my choice of submissive men to play with, and have exercised that option heavily (and even chose one for a husband). I feel this experience has given me a better understanding of submissives and their fantasies, fetishes, and motivations. A deep understanding of things that they themselves might not understand, or want to admit.

Nonetheless, I still search for new kinky ideas I can fit into my busy life, but hardly come across anything good. As such, I have decided to start this blog to share my "methods" with other women who might also be pressed for time but who enjoy topping. I'll also try to offer insight into the submissive mind where applicable.

My experience with other "dominant" women is that, frequently, they are only acting dominant, and are driven not by the dominant acts themselves, but by the excitement given off by a submissive man in their life. This is perfectly fine, but I do think some of them are getting a raw deal chasing that goal. So I also hope to show women who don't specifically enjoy topping, how to have a bit more fun for themselves with quick and easy ideas.

If you're a dominant woman, or if you just play one in real life, feel free to email me with any questions, concerns, or suggestions for topics you might have.