The Maid Thing

Recently someone asked me how you do the "maid thing". I admit, when I was younger, maid fantasies use to bother me because they implied it's a woman's place to clean. However, it also generally involves a french maid outfit, and no one really wears those when cleaning either. So the fantasy has a historic context, and I like history. I forgive anyone with a maid fantasy of any chauvinist pig-ism. It's actually a great fantasy to play out because you get some house work done, and who couldn't use a little extra cleaning around the house? While there is certainly variation, maid fantasies tend to be very similar. I'll go over the generic maid fantasy in case anyone is unfamiliar with it. Then I'll break it down into it's parts so you can more clearly understand the fantasy. And lastly I'll optimize it to get the most cleaning out of your sub!

Since the maid fantasy will vary from man to man, I'm just going to write out a generic but common version of it. Start by either shaving your sub's genitalia, or making him do it on his own. If he's already shaved, you're good to go. Then you help him into a french maid outfit sans panties but including a choker and high heels. Put a little makeup on him, if nothing else, some whore-red lipstick. Then complete the package with a butt plug. If he's not erect when you finish prettying him up, tease him a little until he is, and then give him a small task to complete. You can spank him when he misses something or isn't working fast enough. Make an excuse to wander past him now and then and feel him up. When he finishes, refresh his erection and give him another small task.

The maid fantasy is primarily a feminization fantasy. First there's the shaving of the genitals, this certainly has a feminization angle, but it also gives a feeling of vulnerability. Some fantasies also include shaving of the legs as well, but some skip the shaving entirely. The big tell on this fantasy however is the maid outfit. Why doesn't he have a slave fantasy where he cleans naked in chains? The excuse for putting on one of these, along with the make up, is most certainly a feminization fetish. Sure this is also humiliating, so there's some of that in there, but you could humiliate him as he cleans without the maid outfit. The butt plug option varies from person to person as well, it's not in everyone's fantasies. It's generally a humiliation or degradation thing. You have to use one with a flange and a narrow neck so it doesn't pop out. You can put on panties over it to help hold it in. Lastly there's the erection, which many men assume they'll carry around with them the whole time, so you have to constantly refresh the erection for fear of him getting bored and not wanting to do play out this fantasy again.

So how can we make this fantasy easier, funner, and possibly even cheaper? Well let's start with the french maid outfit. Sure, it's great once, but they are difficult to clean and expensive replace, not to mention hard to get (if it's not Halloween). They tend to be more trouble than they are worth. If the sub really has the body for it, then I find the frilly maid outfit sexy, but honestly, this usually isn't the case. If you just have more time than money, or your maid-to-be isn't set on the french maid outfit, I suggest skipping it entirely. Since the maid outfit provides the feminization angle, I suggest you modernize your maid. Go to Walmart, Kmart, or some other cheap store. Second hand stores are a good choice as well. Pick out an outfit with a short skirt for your sub. Short is ideal so his cock will poke out when erect. I think mini dresses are the most fun, but anything will do. Just make sure it's skanky and cheap. If you can find something in his size, the same goes with the high heels, just get something cheap. If you feel so compelled, you can also pick up a bra and cheap lipstick. I suggest having him try everything on in a changing room. If you're afraid someone you know will see you, drive to a store further out or just get a bunch of different sizes and return what doesn't fit. There's no special cleaning directions and because they were cheap, you can throw them away guilt free if they get stained, torn, or whatever. Speaking of stained and torn, I've found cheap frilly panties at the dollar store if that sounds like fun. Another fun thing to do is to give him a feminine name and talk to him like he's a girl. That should take care of the feminization angle; sure it's not French, but who cares? My money says he doesn't.

Now there was a bit of humiliation and degradation in the fantasy, but they weren't major things. Physically helping him dress covers this, as does doing his makeup or showing him how to do it. The short skirt also helps with this because his erection will be visible. You can still do the anal plug but again, be careful it's not going to come out. Always use a flanged plug with a thin neck and a wide head. If you feel humiliation was an important angle for your sub, you can take pictures or videos. And if you can get some without his face you can even post them online anonymously. Another trick is to make him ask for it, "Tell me you want to be dressed as a girl and forced to clean."

The big thing however, is the erection. Let's not beat around the bush, this is the real motivator here. This is what will keep it fun and have him wanting to replay this fantasy again and again. We want him to be erect for as much of the cleaning as possible. Sure you could follow him around groping every minute or two, but at some point it becomes easier to just do the cleaning yourself. What works best is a remote controlled vibrator, or a remote controlled e-stim device. E-stim is a lot of fun and probably works best -- you can even get butt plug attachments for it -- but is much more expensive. Use it if you have one! You can even shock him with it if he's not going fast enough or working hard enough. Just make sure the vibrator or e-stim add-ons are securely attached. With a vibrator I suggest bondage tape or masking tape. For smaller remote eggs you can hold it to the head of his cock and trap it there with a condom. (Then secure the condom.) Rope can work sometimes, but it will be tricky. Perhaps make a game out of it for your sub, if he can attach the vibrator so it won't fall off he gets an orgasm, but if it comes off he doesn't get to come. Whatever device you use, the remote control is the important part here. It will change this from a chore for you, into an easy game.

When you see he doesn't have an erection, use the remote to give him one. Even if he does have one, randomly stimulate him a little every now and then, perhaps when you turn a page in your book. Most remotes have different strength settings, so you may be tempted to keep it on low, but don't! There are only two things this can result in, an orgasm, which ends his blissful cleaning, or, and this is more likely, he will get use to it and go soft. The human body quickly adapts and after a while it will be like it's not on at all, and it will take even stronger stimulation to achieve an erection. The advantage of using a remote control is you can turn it on and off without much work. You don't have to stop what you're doing; you don't have to get your hands messy; you don't have to walk over to him; you don't even have to be in the same room as him if you want to just stimulate him randomly. Just don't use a constant setting and you'll be fine.

Some men simply want to be dressed up and made pretty before working, and dressing them up "pays" for all the work they will do, but in my experience these men quickly bore of the fantasy. If you want a pet who will not only clean house for you frequently, but enjoy it, then this is the way to go. Sure you are using his fantasies to your benefit, but a sub won't hate you for this, they will love you for it. You can flat out tell them you are using their perversion against them to get house work done and they will only get more turned on. Of course everyone is different, so you might have to tweak a few things, but this is a pretty solid foundation to build from. And don't forget, a horny slave is a happy slave.

Quick But Kinky

I want to talk about quick but kinky orgasms. One of the few downsides to restricting your sub's orgasms is they become very invested in that orgasm, and missing it because you ran out of time is a sad and disappointing event. However, there's no reason you can't give a short but kinky orgasm. You might think your sub will feel cheated, but as long as your sub has been worked up sexually while being denied - I suggest a masturbation schedule - then a short but kinky orgasm will still be much enjoyed and much appreciated.

The caveat here is that this isn't necessarily true for a sub who's been denied orgasm much much longer than they are use to. When working out what is roughly an agreement with my sub about orgasm denial, I always say I reserve the right to delay an orgasm due to punishment. This means one alternative is to find an excuse to punish your sub and deny him orgasm for another day. In fact, this is always a way out, but it goes from fun to frustrating quite quickly for your sub. If there's nothing special about his period of denial, go with a quick orgasm. There are plenty of fast and easy things you can mix into a quick orgasm to make it more kinky. Just make sure you mix it up; don't use the same combination of things each time.

One fun thing you can do is to take off your panties or socks and use them as a gag for your sub. If it's a sock I suggest you turn it inside out so they are tasting your feet and not the floor. You can do the same with your panties but some choose not to flip them inside out to be "kind" to their sub. In reality a truly horny sub will tend to find these "gross" things even more sexy. Nonetheless, if you feel self-conscious putting your used panties into your pet's mouth, you can plan ahead a little and sneak off into the bathroom to put on a fresh pair before you play. You can do the same thing with your socks if it bothers you.

This is the sister idea to the previous one. Sit on his face. You can angle how you sit so your ass or your pussy is over his face. You can silence him with pressure or make him lick you. You could also lay with your feet on his face and make him kiss or lick them. Again some people will be self-conscious about this, and I wish I could help you get over it, because a sub will enjoy it. Even if he doesn't, feeling that he has to tolerate it in order to get an orgasm will turn him on even more. Either way you win when it comes to kink.

You can bind him to a bed or a chair. You could spend a lot of time doing this carefully, but there's no need to spend much time on it. I suggest using handcuffs and ankle cuffs. They are very fast. If you have a chair you want to bind him to, cuff his hands behind the back position his feet to the side of the side chair, and make the ankle cuffs go around the back. If it's one of those chairs with one central support then wrap the ankle cuffs around the center once. Bound to a chair your pet will sometimes be able to close his legs, when this is the case I find simple instruction works good enough. "If you close your legs you will not be allowed to come today." If you have a four poster bed you can use two ankle cuffs and two handcuffs to secure him quite quickly. If your bed has four feet you can emulate the four poster bed with four additional ankle cuffs. Attach an ankle cuff to each foot of the bed and then attach the other end of the ankle cuff to the hand cuff or ankle cuff you will use on your sub. There are also many quick bed bondage solutions you can buy along with some do-it yourself solutions.

Cock and ball bondage! Again, it's possible to spend a lot of time on this, but you can also do it quite quickly with the help of rubber bands. You can put one around his cock and balls, double it or triple it back over depending on how much room there is. You can put one around the balls themselves. Just stretch them from one area to another anyway you want. You can literally have a tight secure package in less than 30 seconds. Shoe laces or a heavier rope can also be quickly tied around a cock and balls, but it takes a little more practice to be fast with those. I say the rubber bands are fine. You can even get a big bag of them for a dollar at the dollar store.

If your sub has more time than you, this opens up a whole other area of options. These fall in the category of "prepare yourself for me." You might find this situation is a more common occurrence, as the sub has more motivation to make time. Don't feel bad about this, take advantage of it and have your sub do some of the work for you. It doesn't take much to turn self-play into shared-play. One key thing here is in how you tell him to do things. Make sure you phrase things as a command, and never start your sentences with things like "why don't you" or "if you'd like." Use the words "for me" whenever you can and make sure your pet knows he is doing these things for you, not for himself.

There are lots of things you can have your pet do. You can tell him to tie up his cock and balls. You can be specific and have them separate each testicle, or have them coil a rope around their balls so they are pushed away from their body. Or you can leave it open ended and tell him to be creative with the rope or to think of something that would impress you. You can tell your toy to insert a butt plug as part of the preparation. You can even have him bind himself to the bed or a chair - my comments about bed or chair bondage also apply here. Depending on what you have to use, sometimes he will have to leave one arm unlocked, but you can quickly secure that one for him.

Another entertaining option is to pick out a vibrating toy and have my sub tie the toy to himself. I also pair this with instructions to bind himself to the bed. Then when he's ready I turn on the toy and if he can come with the set up he invented, he gets an orgasm. If he can't, his punishment is no orgasm. It's a simple and fun game. If he sucks at it, you can give him a set number of tries. If he turns out to be too good at it, you can pick an awkward shaped toy. I might over use this one, but I've gotten no complaints! You can slowly turn up the vibrator to make it last a little longer, but sometimes I prefer to just set it to max and see what happens (especially with the Hitachi). You can vary what toy he's using to keep things interesting, or add other requirements such as having one attached to each testicle as well.

And let's not forget good old fashioned masturbation. Have your pet masturbate for 20 minutes before you get started. A specific form of masturbation, called edging is also a wonderful tool. To edge, your pet masturbates until he is close to orgasm, and then keeps himself as close as he can without going over. This is error prone and a pet can mess up here, but I think it's still a worthy task. If you're worried about him going over, tell him to bring himself to the edge X number of times with Y number of minutes of rest in between.

You might tell yourself there's no excuse, that you should have planned ahead, but there is any number of valid reasons to go for a quick orgasm. Maybe there was a family emergency, or you had to work late, and there just wasn't enough time left in the day. Maybe it's something as simple as your daughter having a slumber party and what you thought was a nice group of girls is actually a quite unruly group requiring near constant supervision. Rolls eyes. Or maybe you just had a long exhausting day and you can't wait to get to sleep. Whatever the reason, when you're out of time, a quick kink friendly orgasm is usually the best answer. There are quite a bit of quick but kinky things you can do, and even more if you sub has time to "prepare himself for you."

Forced Cum Eating

Someone asked for help getting her sub to eat his own cum. For anyone who hasn't tried this, it's actually harder than it sounds. For anyone who has tried but failed, it's much easier with the right approach. But before I get into the how, I want to give a small warning. The whole point of forcing someone to swallow their own cum is making them do something degrading and humiliating that they wouldn't normally do. One thing I find disappointing is learning that a sub, on his own, will eat his own cum. If someone already swallows their own cum after they orgasm, it takes the fun out of making them do it. Firstly, they aren't doing it for you. If they do it of their own accord, they are doing it for themselves. Secondly, the sub gets use to it. It's no longer humiliating or degrading for them. It becomes common and normal. Boring.

Sometimes the top will make a sub eat his own load every time. Like I said before, it desensitizes them to it. But some tops find it sexy to break someone. There is a sense of accomplishment and pride, not to mention power, in really changing someone. I can understand this angle, especially if the sub is the type of person who gags at even a taste of their own man seed; an attitude adjustment is in order. I've also heard it argued as a way to save time cleaning up. In the case of sucking someone else off, I agree, it is cleaner. But I'm calling shenanigans in the case of a sub licking up his own load. This is some guy's justification for a fantasy he can't otherwise rationalize. A tongue is far from sanitary; more cleaning is still necessary. The only way it saves time in cleanup is if he's swallowing his load, with his mouth directly on his cock. Now, while not an option for most men, I'll admit this is appealing to me, especially since time saved on clean up is more time for something else. But again, consider the frequency you make your sub eat his own semen, as you might unintentionally numb him to the act. Personally, I like to save it as a "treat."

There are many approaches to getting your pet to eat his own cum. Some will work better than others depending on your sub. You can go with whatever you think will work best with your sub, or whatever sounds like the most fun to you. Of course I'm not recommending you break any of your sub's limits (unless you know he'll be ok with it), but forcing a sub to fulfill his fantasy is both fun and sexy. If you are doubting yourself and want more justification, then see the second half of my post on following through.

The most common approach is by command. Make the sub come on his or your hand, or if you're feeling generous, your breasts, legs, feet, or whatever. Then order him to lick it clean. This is the first thing that comes to mind for most tops, but is also the hardest to make someone follow through with. This approach can work, but only if you are very strict. Think of the voice you use when telling your dog to stop poking at the trash can, or when you're telling your cat to get off the dinner table. Speak sternly, imply urgency, and raise your voice. Since this is one of the hardest approaches, it can also take several tries. If you notice your toy hesitating or otherwise struggling with the command, I suggest giving him an out. Tell him what his punishment will be if he doesn't obey. Pick a punishment he won't like, and up that punishment with each attempt. For example, if your sub isn't usually denied orgasms for a week then tell them if they don't follow through you will deny them orgasm for a week. If they choose this option then try again in a week, but next time threaten two weeks punishment. While I imagine this will eventually work with anyone, it might be hard to find the right punishment. Don't start out with the worst punishment you can imagine though, build up to larger and more serious punishments. Someone refusing to eat their own cum at the cost of no orgasms for a year, might actually be willing to do so at the threat of not coming for a month after suffering through two weeks of no orgasms. If this is the approach you want to use, but it's not working, try not to get frustrated. Some subs just have a hard time with this. Instead, think of it as a game to see how much your sub will suffer through before giving in.

This second approach requires a little more preparation. This is generally the approach that comes to a sub's mind when they fantasize about being forced to swallow their own load. The key to this approach is lack of options on your sub's behalf. Put him in a position where he can't say no. My favorite way to do this is the legs over the head trick. Have him lay on his back and lift his legs back over his head until his cock lines right up with his mouth. What helps is having him lay such that when his feet go over his head they land on a wall behind him, then have him walk down the wall to narrow the gap between his mouth and cock. You may have to move your man around a bit and start over to get him lined up properly. When he's lined up make him come into his own mouth. This might actually take a couple tries before you get a good amount in there. Hold him in that awkward position by the balls, make sure you have a good grip so he knows he can't just lay back down. Another option is to position yourself behind him so he can't unfold. Tell him he has to swallow it, if he hesitates hold his nose with a free hand. He'll have to swallow to breath. This is more commonly accomplished (and fantasized about) with bondage. Make sure he's secure and can't move, then make him come into a shot glass. A small cup like a shot glass is essential, or too much of it will get stuck on the sides. Tell him to drink it, again if he refuses hold his nose and pour it into his mouth. Let him breath but repeat the process to get him to swallow if necessary. There are alternatives to holding his nose if you think that might make him panic or choke, or if it just isn't your style. One alternative is a little abuse to the balls. Even people who enjoy CBT will find it hard to take a couple hard swats to the balls after orgasm. Another is, if you have e-stim toys, use them to make him come, but after orgasm keep turning up the power until he obeys. There are a lot of options really, any sort of pain should do the trick. When using pain I always suggest it be something erotic in nature to make thinking about it afterwards a more positive experience for the sub.

This third approach is down right insidious and underhanded. I think it's great. The tricky part in getting a man to swallow his own cum isn't getting him to admit he wants it, or talking him into it -- that's easy, just get him horny enough. The tricky part is getting him to follow through once there is a load for him to swallow. If only you could get his load into his mouth before he comes. Well, you can. All you'll need is an ice cube tray. If you already make your own ice then get one that looks different than the others. When your sub comes, make him come into one of the ice cube slots. Although one load is probably enough, I suggest getting two to four loads in one slot to make a larger cube. When you decide it's time for your man to eat his own load, get him good and horny, maybe even bring him to the edge a couple times, then break out the ice cube. You'll easily be able to get him to suck on the cube when he's all worked up. And like that, he's happily swallowing his own semen. Make him finish the whole cube before being allowed to come. It's too easy. If you want him to have the real experience, if you want to do something he would fantasize about were he clever enough, start by tying him down. Tease him until he is willing to suck on the cum cube. After he takes the cube into his mouth, make sure he can't spit it out. Gag him with a ball gag or wrap bondage tape around his face and mouth. Make him come immediately, before he can consume much, if any, of the cube. Make him watch as you catch his load with the ice cube tray to help him realize exactly what he's about to do... swallow his own load after coming. Do not untie him or ungag him until you're sure he's swallowed it all.

Active vs Inactive Denial

What most people don't realize is that there are really two types of orgasm denial: active and inactive. Everyone who plays with orgasm denial should be aware of the difference, whether your sub is male or female, or whether you go long term or short. And especially when you are on a tight schedule like me.

First, I'd like to apologize for my terminology. I can't imagine there isn't already a term for these two entirely opposite approaches to orgasm denial, but a Google search for "active orgasm denial" and "inactive orgasm denial" return nothing. Nonetheless, these are the terms I will use. When a person is actively denied they are kept in a near-constant state of sexual need or desire. When a person is inactively denied, their sexual needs are not only ignored, but also often discouraged.

Inactive denial is the simplest of the two approaches. All you have to do is ignore your plaything's sexual needs. This is usually accompanied by some sort of chastity device to not only prevent orgasm but masturbation as well. Often times the goal with inactive denial is to turn off your pet's sexuality entirely. The danger with inactive denial is that your pet will often feel ignored, unwanted, undesirable, and unloved, even if it's not true. They will often get angry with you, or snap at you for no good reason. This is followed by feelings of sadness and guilt. This melting pot of negative emotions can easily lead to bouts of depression. But yes, some people fantasize about this sort of denial. In practice, even those people can have a hard time sidestepping the negative emotions that come up. Just because someone fantasizes about inactive denial, doesn't mean they will actually enjoy it.

It's safe to say that while some people fantasize about this type of denial, most do not. Unfortunately, inactive denial is what people who are unfamiliar with the kink imagine when they are first introduced to orgasm denial. There are countless blogs and forum posts of both men and women who talked their significant other into denying them orgasms, only to realize later they were in a state of inactive denial. It makes me sad to see to this mistake repeated so often. When introducing someone new to the idea of orgasm denial, please take a little time to explain the angle you are interested in. I know some people are afraid of topping from the bottom, but at least explain that it isn't about turning off your sexuality, but rather harnessing denial for it's continuous positive energy.

While it's true that you can easily put a lot of time into active denial play, it isn't necessarily required. Masturbation - without orgasm - is something a sub can do with only the slightest of oversight. One easy thing I always recommend for someone in an active denial situation is a masturbation schedule. But find any excuse you can to make your sub masturbate. Make them masturbate during the commercials when you're watching a show together, or when they're waiting on you to finish getting ready before you go somewhere. Tell them if you two are talking or doing something together and someone calls, they are to masturbate until you're free again. If you think your sub is losing some of that pent up sexual energy - or just starting to feel down - don't wait for an excuse, simply order them to masturbate.

To be extra clear, I'm not saying you have to limit your play with your sub; my point is that active denial doesn't require extra work on your part. Of course, edging your sub during a period of denial can be especially fun. And, in my experience, physically teasing someone who's being denied orgasm is the best way to keep them happy and upbeat. However, the most important thing is to make sure your needs are getting met. Only your sub need be the target of this orgasm denial. As I always say, playing doesn't have to end in an orgasm for your sub. Even if your play involves sex. You aren't obligated to finish anything you start with orgasm denial, and the sooner you take this to heart the sooner it will set you free. In this way, orgasm denial can make playtime with your sub less stressful and less work. Too many people feel an implied responsibility of "finishing what you start." This is a great way to break that habit if you're one of those people. You are free to tease or play whenever you want, and for any amount of time. Any point can be a stopping point, because in the end, the only goal is a denied orgasm.

Chastity devices are often part of the orgasm denial fantasy. This might seem incompatible with active denial, but in fact, I recommend it. I simply suggest taking it off when you two will be around each other a while. Leaving your sub free when you're together makes it easier to play or otherwise tease them when the moment arises. In general, using a chastity device helps prevent your sub from taking matters into their own hands and ruining the sexual energy you've built up together. But it's not all business, there's also fun to be had. It's a hidden bondage device they can take with them wherever they go; and it will constantly remind them of you and make them really anticipate your time together. It also allows them to completely surrender themselves to the idea that you control their orgasms.

My final suggestion is that you remind your toy you know they are being denied. This helps thwart those feelings of being unloved or unwanted. You can bring this up at any time, but it's especially important if you just finished playing and you know your sub really wants to come. You can tell them you want them as horny as possible for you, or always ready to serve you. Or even that you want them horny because you win arguments more easily or because they are more enjoyable to be around. Active denial isn't just about keeping them in need, but letting them know you are doing it on purpose and enjoying it.

Punishments Done Right

Punishments are a strange thing in the BDSM world, as they are often longed for and fantasized about. If you aren't careful, punishment can have the opposite effect. I'd like to point out that there are two types of punishment; the first type are just a fun part of kinky play, and the second are an honest deterrence to behavior. I call these fun punishments and real punishments, respectively. Sometimes people call the fun punishments "funishments," but I think it takes something away from allure if you outright stop calling them punishments. Both types have their place, but the community mostly focuses on the playful end of things. Kinky stories and other femdom erotica, which are usually written by men, are filled with punishments that subs would just love to endure. Whereas serious punishments are harder to find.

Fun punishments should never be used in response to something you don't want your sub to do. Likewise, they should only be used in a manner that your sub will know is playful. This doesn't mean you can't role play a fun punishment as if it were a real punishment, but even if you're acting otherwise, it should only be done with things that you are obviously not really upset about. For example, when my pet is massaging my legs and thighs (all the way up please) I might tell him if he gets hard I'll have to punish him with a spanking, or make him go down on me, etc. It doesn't even have to make sense. You can pick pretty much anything you two enjoy for a fun punishment and any excuse to exact said punishment. All you have to do is act like it's a punishment; tell him he's been a naughty boy and must suffer with the consequences. This sort of "discipline" is a lot of fun and you can find countless great ideas online.

However, the topic often overlooked is real punishment, and that's what I'd like to focus on. This is part of what's often called domestic discipline. The goal with domestic discipline is usually behavioral change and it can be achieved. To me, this is one of the most overlooked perks of being a dominant in a serious D/s relationship. It allows you to changes things about your partner that you could only complain about in a vanilla relationship. Most subs love the whole "training" aspect, but even those who don't fantasize about it are often still turned on by the idea. You get a well behaved sub and they get what they enjoy, being treated like your pet. So even with real punishments, both sides enjoy the power exchange.

One thing to keep in mind when dealing with real punishments is to avoid discipline that's difficult or hard on you. If something is a lot of trouble, then it's also a punishment for you. The exception of course is if it's something you really enjoy, then it becomes a labor of love. Perhaps you really enjoy pegging and your guy hates it, then this is still an acceptable punishment for serious infractions. But most men love pegging and a good amount of women don't get much enjoyment from it. So, again, be careful with what you use as a punishment. Don't let your sub trick you into using a fun punishment in the place of a real one! Due to the power exchange involved in being disciplined, it's normal for the thought or act of discipline to turn your sub on. Any punishment has the potential to make a submissive more horny, and there's nothing wrong with this as long as the punishment itself isn't something he enjoys or looks forward to.

The most important thing I've learned over the years is that real punishments in a femdom dynamic should always have a sexual element to them. You don't want your sub to be angry with you about being punished. Having a sexual element involved connects to him on a low, submissive, sexual level, and reminds him that training is something he wants as well. This association will also help your sub accept his punishment and negate any resentment, even when he feels he's being punished unfairly. If purely sexual punishments don't work for you, it's also fairly easy to add a sexual element to otherwise normal punishments. For example, one vanilla punishment might be standing in the corner for 15 minutes. To add a sexual element to this, have your sub wear weights from his balls for those 15 minutes as well. If he is to clean the yard as part of a punishment, make him wear a butt plug.

I've had the most success and happiest subs with punishments that are entirely sexual in nature. My personal favorite is ball spankings. I like the term "spanking" because it even sounds harsh. It's the punishment I most commonly give my husband for breaking any of the "pet rules." The pet rules started out as a list of my pet peeves, pun intended, but I've since added other offenses to the list, such as not getting the door for me and leaving the lights on when he leaves a room. When he breaks a pet rule, I let him know as soon as possible that he will be getting a ball spanking for the infraction. This can be tricky when it happens in public but do try to mention it as soon as possible in case your sub didn't realize his transgression. If, by the end of the day, he's earned any punishment, I'll tell him to get himself ready for his ball spanking. This means he is to undress, secure himself to the bed, and wait for me. If he is hard, I wait until he's not hard. I like to hold his balls with one hand while I spank with the other so it's more like a spanking and less like a slapping. When we begin I ask him what he did wrong, if I have to remind him then he's earned extra! You want him thinking about what he did and to associate it with the punishment. While fixed punishments work, I like to give myself discretion in deciding the actual number of spankings. I start with a few spanks for a first time offense and increase it each time it happens, possibly decreasing back down if he hasn't broken the rule lately. How many will vary from sub to sub depending not only on their tolerance but how hard you spank. Make him count each spank out loud, an extra if he doesn't count quickly enough. With pets new to this you'll have to tell them what to do every step of the way, but they learn quickly, especially if you give them an extra spank for needing to be reminded. All you should need to say is, "go get ready for your ball spanking."

This brings up the second most important part of a proper punishment: Ritual. Since the term punishment is used both playfully and seriously in the community, it's absolutely paramount that your sub knows when he's really being punished. As I've mentioned before, I'm not big a fan of protocol, but this is one situation that really should have an "official" procedure. Unlike most protocol, this serves a very specific purpose. You don't want any uncertainty between what's a real punishment and what isn't. Your sub should never be confused over whether he's being punished or not! (And trust me, nothing feels worse than finding out your sub thought he was being punished when you were only playing.) With a protocol in place, your sub will know for certain that you are unhappy with what he did. Having a set procedure also serves to build up to the punishment and effectively draws it out. This not only gives the sub more time to regret and reflect on what he's done wrong, but it makes the punishment more memorable. This helps the effectiveness of training.

Despite the advantages it provides, I've found that over time it's easy to let parts of your ritual slip. To you it may seem like nothing, but subs often interpret this to mean you don't care as much. Worse, the entire ritual can eventually fall by the side and now your sub will be even more easily confused if he's in trouble or not - having the opposite effect we first intended. Other than just being vigilant about the process, I've found the trick is to leave any preparation to your sub. In my case I have my sub not only undress, but cuff his ankles to either corner of the bed and his hands together over his head with the cuffs looping around the frame of the headboard. This approach not only makes it easier on you, which I'm all about, but is a great way of keeping your ritual. If your sub forgets something, a little extra punishment will help him remember the next time and it eventually becomes habit.

Since I'm on the topic of CBT or ballbusting as a punishment, I just want to interject a warning. This is a popular fetish among submissive men so it's important to be careful your sub isn't enjoying it more than he's disliking it. There are two kinds of masochistic subs. Those who get harder from pain, or prefer they are hard during it, and those that will go soft from pain, or don't mind being soft during it. I think most tops prefer guys from the first group, but there are a lot out there from the second. Those from the second category make painful punishment a little more tricky. With any kind of pain play you typically start light and work your way up. The endorphins build up slowly and your sub can enjoy more and more pain. The trick with any kinky punishment is to administer it before the endorphins kick in. You can usually get a really good pain response from your sub without going further - or much further - than you would during normal play time! And there's no added risk of injury in such a situation. I've seen people who play harder with their pets than they punish them because the sub has a much more subdued reactions during playtime where pain builds up over time. It can be a mental block for some tops and I understand the concern that you might go too far, especially if you don't have a lot of experience yet. That said - going back to the recommended punishment of ball spanking - balls can take a lot of abuse. You can be rather rough with them without doing lasting damage. In fact it takes less pressure to break a rib than to rupture a testicle. So the strategy is simple. Don't start slowly. Do it fast and do it hard. If he's getting an erection then stay ahead of the endorphin curve and hit him harder. I even have a friend who will intentionally get her sub hard and then spank his balls until he goes soft. Just remember, balls can take a lot. Don't be nice, be serious. Here's an example where the sub counts out 50 spankings. And for the more dedicated, here's an example of a 1 minute spanking with a padded paddle where the sub is gagged.

Another real punishment I often use with my hubby is orgasm denial followed by a ruined orgasm, particularly in the case where he comes when he's not allowed. While certainly not a necessary component, I do feel it fits the crime. He doesn't enjoy going week(s) without being allowed to come, and he knows the resulting orgasm won't be any good after all that build up so it works as a serious punishment. With different subs you'll need different amounts of time to get the same effect. With some, it won't work at all, and with others you may find a ruined orgasm at the end of regular play session is effective on it's own. Just make sure he knows it's coming and make sure he knows it's meant as a punishment; again, think ritual! Make him tell you why he's being punished, be clinical about it, etc. Also, because denial is a punishment that occurs over a period of time, I have him tell me why he is not allowed to come each time there's a missed opportunity. During such punishments I like to make my subs masturbate more, and will make excuses to play with them just so they have to tell me why they are being denied. The repetition really helps prevent repeat offenses.

Dealing with a sub in orgasm denial can be tricky as well. Some subs will ask or even beg for less time in orgasm denial. Ironically, I find these are often the ones who've fantasized about it the most. It often turns out they like the fantasy more than the reality of it. If your sub starts asking for a reduced sentence, add a day. They learn quickly, and trust me, it can get on your nerves fast. If a sub isn't asking for less time, but is still complaining, make a rule that any complaint related to punishment must include a thank you, or you'll add a day. I do both of these things and it makes orgasm denial much easier to administer. If he comes during this punishment due to a fault of his own, then we start over and his cock isn't allowed any physical stimulation. But I'm lenient here because this kind of inactive denial can have a huge emotional effect. I can also admit when I'm partially to blame, especially if he warned me he was close. In those cases we simply start the denial period over again. If it happened at his own hands I like to double the time.

I've had other pets in the past who would intentionally make trouble when I announced this was the punishment. You may be surprised how men who love their orgasm so much will want to not have one so badly, but it's often about the fantasy. As I mentioned earlier, when actually playing they almost always want that orgasm. When it comes down to it, many realize it's not what they really wanted, and they regret making trouble. What they really want is for you to take control of their orgasms as part of your control over them. (Which I suggest you do anyway.) The lesson here? Some subs fantasize about punishments they'll actually hate. So don't rule out a punishment just because your sub has fantasized about it in the past. In the same vein, don't be angry if they test you on any new punishment or rule, but be sure to follow through! There's no fixed set of what works as a deterrent. You just have to try things out and see if behavior improves. If things are actually getting worse then it's most likely your sub is enjoying the punishment too much. Don't be afraid to step up the intensity of a punishment your sub may be enjoying to see if that helps, though you may have to try something different if you aren't getting the results you want.

Getting started is easier than you'd think. I suggest sitting down with your sub and establishing some rules so he knows what he'll be punished for. In heavier power exchange relationships it's not uncommon to reserve the right to punish the sub for things that aren't on the list, but especially in new relationships, a formal list will help set expecations for your sub. This will also help you remember what rules you are enforcing. As for some examples of the type of things you can fix, here are a couple of my pet peeves: the toilet left up, an empty toilet paper roll, clothes not in the laundry basket, towels on the floor, plates not in the sink, trash next to the garbage bin, and trash not taken out on trash day. I suggest adding anything that bothers you. All the rules don't have to be serious either, some can be fun. I have a bigger list of rules here if you want more ideas. When he does something wrong, you will get the best results if you punish him as soon as possible so he associates it with the punishment. Alternatively, some people will pick a particular day of the week to take care of punishments. If you prefer to wait, or have to because others are around, do your best to point out transgressions to him at the time they happen. Either way, always ask him why he's being punished when you are about to punish him; you want him thinking about what he did wrong when he's being punished.

To review, a good punishment should be sexual in nature or at the very least have a strong sexual element to it. Most subs will melt when this approach is used, and it helps avoid arguing and resentment. Pick a punishment that's easy on you, and try it out a few times. If it's not working, try a different punishment. There should be a set protocol as to how it's done to completely distinguish it from any type of playful punishment. Also keep in mind that you'll get much better results if you're consistent with punishment. With the right approach, your sub will not only behave better, but he's going to feel more submissive and horny. And that's always a good thing.

Orgasm Control & Chastity

As I stated before, I'm a big fan of chastity devices. Given the opportunity to orgasm, a sufficiently horny man will always do so. Maybe I have trust issues, but the subs I've played with have proven this over and over again. I don't blame men for it, it's just how they're wired. If you don't use a chastity device, then your sub is coming when he's not allowed, I can almost assure you this is true. However, as a top, you have some say in this matter. If you're worried about sounding like you don't trust your significant other, play it off as a sexy game. I mean, after all, it is a sexy game.

Most people are turned on by a partner who is insatiability horny, and denial makes this possible. Think of a time in your past when someone you were with was horny but unable to come, and thus kept horny over an extended period of time. Perhaps you were simply somewhere that made playing or finishing impossible. Maybe it was a punishment, or maybe it was due to something as unsexy as medication or an interruption requiring immediate attention. You may be surprised to find it leads directly to, or coincides with, a time when you yourself were very horny. You may have even finished yourself off, but still wanted more. There must be something in our biology (pheromones?) that makes us hornier when our partner is yearning for sexual release. This is a great reason and a great excuse to use a chastity device to limit your sub's orgasms.

Personally, something that bothers me is the thought of my sub giving himself sexual release. When I get serious with a sub I insist any orgasm he gets come from me, or in some cases, from a device at my direction. (There's something sexy about a pitiless, unforgiving machine ruthlessly working away on a helpless individual. But that's another fetish altogether.) Sure sometimes I get really busy, but I'm never too busy for a 2 to 5 minute quickie should I decide that's what he needs. I don't even mind if he gets himself right to the very edge and I just finish him off with a few quick strokes or the tip of my finger, as long as it's me that pushes him over the top. I suppose this gives me importance, but it's really more than that. And it's not a misguided attempt to fulfill my "role" as the dominant sexual figure in the relationship, it's about being the focus of his sexual energy. It just feels right.

Now, nothing is foolproof, but a chastity device provides some peace of mind, and it helps take the temptation away from your boy. Some subs may fantasize about wearing the device 24 hours a day, but there are many downsides to this. If worn 24/7, a chastity device can also cause a loss of elasticity in the tissue of the cock, and erections will start to get smaller and softer. "Use it or lose it" as they say! Sleeping in a chastity device will also be very difficult and painful for someone new to it. Nightly erections are hardest to control and the pain they cause will often wake someone in a chastity device, at least until their bodies learn not to get erect at night. (This research article states men are erect for an average of 2 hours and 18 minutes each night! This article finds the lack of nightly erections to be correlated with erectile dysfunction.) Even if, given all this, you still want to keep your sub in chastity 24/7, I suggest you let him out daily for some teasing or at the very least, some monitored masturbation to curb these side effects. Having a sub wear a chastity device 24/7 does nothing for me, and proves nothing to me. So despite everything I said earlier, I primarily use chastity devices to remind the sub of the control I have over him, and only secondly to make sure he isn't coming without permission.

Chastity devices work by preventing the wearer from masturbating. Without being able to masturbate, your sub can't sneak in an orgasm and lie about it. However, I like my subs as horny as possible and preventing someone from masturbating is not conducive to this wonderful predicament. Men are also well known for masturbating even in sexually fulfilling relationships. The loss of impromptu masturbation scares some men away from the idea, and the lack of masturbation can even make some men depressed. It's almost cruel in this regard, but there's an easy solution. Just make your sub masturbate - orgasm not required - when you're around. If he seems a little down, or even just less horny, make him masturbate more.

I also want to emphasize that using a chastity device doesn't mean no sex. And again, orgasm denial doesn't mean no sex. Chastity devices can be removed for play. Just because you have sex, or play in other ways, doesn't mean your sub needs to have an orgasm. Orgasms don't just come out of nowhere and surprise you. If your sub is eager to please you, or knows there's punishment to be had, they won't come during sex if they aren't allowed. Even if they can't put their mind somewhere else, they can simply pause. If they aren't the ones in the position to pause, they can let you know when they are getting close. This goes for most types of play. Don't let orgasm denial prevent you from doing anything!

I insist my husband wear a chastity device, but I don't make him wear the device 24 hours a day. He's only required to wear it when we won't be around each other. Some people have fantasies of going months, or even years without coming, and I'd be happy to indulge such a fantasy - as long as the sex is still good for me. But my husband has no such fantasies. Upon agreeing to wear the chastity device, he gets a chance at an orgasm every other day. Specifically, there is no upper limit to the number of times per day I may make him come, but since things can pop up in our busy lives, I try for no less than every other day, with the occasional 2 day span. I've been asked, why use a chastity device if you're only preventing him from coming one or two days? For me it's about control, and the reminder to him that I'm in control. Throw a masturbation schedule in with the denial, and you have one madly horny sub. It also comes in handy for punishments where he is denied for longer period of times. In these cases he does go longer than a few days, and it often ends in a ruined orgasm just to emphasize what he's missing out on.

I recommend a good sterile plastic chastity device, although there are good metal ones too. Generally a good chastity device will cost about $150. I just checked and you can get them for about $50 to $100 on Amazon. I've used the CB3000 the most. I found the CB2000 to be too bulky (edit: it is no longer made), but the CB6000 is a good alternative. It's suppose to be more comfortable, harder to get out of, and harder to see under clothing. For larger men there's The Curve. But everyone is different and I can't say what will work for your guy. Needless to say, there are a lot to choose from. If you want to see other options you can find more on Amazon for a reasonable price, and a more complete listing on Stockroom and ExtremeRestraints. Some devices come with just one key, but most with two; make note of this when ordering. While not completely necessary, I suggest that if your lock comes with a single key, you pick up a new lock that has two keys. You can find them at any hardware store. Keep one on your key chain, so you won't leave it at home on accident. And hide the other somewhere in the house, so you can tell him where it is if there's an emergency or you lose your keys.

My husband has orgasms much more frequently than other subs I've "owned." I don't remember exactly how it came about anymore, but I felt he was hornier on this schedule. And although it works, a lot of subs are good with even just a weekly schedule. This may even be ideal since hormones peak on the 7th day before dropping down again (citation). If you can talk your guy into going 7 days at a time then give it a try! You may find you have more fun with it the hornier your pet gets. If you frequently go for longer periods, you should milk the prostate every 10 days for health reasons. I guess this might make 10 days ideal then? I got this number from my doctor years ago. When I explained we sometimes played with a device that could stop even nocturnal emissions, he said he wouldn't recommend abstaining longer than 10 days on a regular basis. I'm not sure if he just pulled that number out of his ass, but I've held to it. When searching I do run across a multitude of studies that found people who come more often have less prostate cancer. My solution to emptying the prostate is milking. But in a busy schedule like mine, I don't want to worry about that. In the rare case that I deny my husband longer than a week but less than a month, I'll skip the milking. I think it's really only an issue when someone goes multiple months, or frequently goes more than a week at a time. That said, this is another risk to be aware of.

Let me quickly go over how this all fits this into our day. When we wake up my sub masturbates for 20 minutes as I start to get ready for work. He leaves for work shortly after I do, but before I leave I make sure he's put on the chastity device. I use to help him with it, but it goes faster without me. I just give it a little tug to check it. If I'm in a hurry to leave he can even put the device on before showering. You can shower with most modern chastity devices on - a feature I suggest you check for. After work, when I'm fairly certain there's nowhere else I need to go for the day, I will take off his chastity device. This tends to be before dinner, but sometimes it's after. There's really nothing to worry about at this point. If he has to go back out without me I usually make him put it back on. If he has to use the bathroom the door stays partly open, or closed but unlocked if someone is around. Sure he could try to sneak off to a quiet corner and rub one out but he isn't going to risk getting caught. He knows how upset I'd be and what the punishment is, so it just isn't worth the risk. He masturbates again once more before bed, or if we're going to play, before we start. I get the best of both worlds. A sub who's horny from masturbating, but one who doesn't bring himself to orgasm. What an ideal combination.

Horny Sub, Happy Sub

I love to say it, a horny sub is a happy sub. It's a broad generalization, but it's actually true for the most part. If you don't believe it, pay attention to when your sub is horniest, and compare it to how happy he is when he is least horny. The diffidence may be subtle between slightly different degrees of horniness, but I bet if you compared his happiness when most horny, to his happiness when least horny, you would notice quite the difference. And although misery loves company, being around someone who's happy will tend to lift your spirits. So it's in both our interests for my dear hubby to be as horny as possible. The best way to do this is frequent masturbation but infrequent orgasms. This post will focus on frequent masturbation, and the next post will focus on infrequent orgasms.

The best way ensure regular masturbation by your sub is to put him on a masturbation schedule. This is controlling and fun, so it's a win-win. I do want to stress this is only masturbation, not orgasm - I am a big fan of chastity devices, but I'll get into that next time. The key to a good schedule is starting the day with a masturbation session. If it's not the very first thing, then it's as soon as possible. Also, if you're going to allow your sub an orgasm, I recommend doing so only at night; ideally less than an hour before bed. Yes, often times a sub is happier after orgasm, but it doesn't last. I've noticed time and again that when I've let subs come in the morning, they are noticeably less happy and less attentive by evening. Other times I have noticed an immediate drop in mood (as described here). There are always reasons not to follow this pattern, but if you do, your sub will be horny during most of his waking hours. Happiness.

The masturbation schedule I have set up changes from time to time. Sometimes I add something new, remove something that isn't as fun anymore, or adjust it to fit relaxed or increased time limitations. Currently my hubby masturbates for 20 minutes when we wake up in the morning. If he gets close to orgasm he is to stop for a minute before resuming. That minute doesn't count toward the 20. Again, he is not allowed to come. I leave for work before him so I'm getting ready during this time, but I'm around enough to check on him. He is again required to masturbate for another 20 minutes in the evening. Like before, stopping for a minute if he gets too close. You can also schedule a masturbation sessions for your sub at lunch as well, but my pet wears a chastity device to work so this isn't an option for us. If he's had a bad day, is being moody, or I otherwise think he needs attitude adjustment, I will have him masturbate for an extra 20 minutes as soon as possible. I refer to a masturbation session as "exercise" when in public. So I can say things like, "When we get home, you better exercise."

You might be wondering, why 20 minutes? Or, why add something extra to it? One study suggested the most desirable amount of time between the beginning of intercourse and orgasm to be between 7 and 13 minutes. Another I can't source saying frustration starts to set in after 15 minutes of masturbation without orgasm. So 20 minutes seemed just enough to make any sub eager for orgasm. The added activities and restrictions, are chosen to make the sub more horny. If your sub doesn't seem to be experiencing this eagerness to orgasm, or isn't getting close during the time you have subscribed, rather than adding more time, I suggest you try adding additional tasks, or even a vibrator to the mix. Yes, men can use vibrators too, although oftentimes they need a stronger vibrator than you use. If you have any estim toys, getting those involved might help as well. Sometimes an extra push is only needed in the morning or at night.

A not so recent addition to my hubby's evening masturbation is that he has to lay on his back with his legs lifted up over and past his head. His cock points right at his face, and he is to reach for his mouth as he masturbates. My goal is for him to be able to suck his own cock, which you have to admit, is a bit sexy. Even if he never makes it, I like the position because it adds a little something extra for him if he "accidentally" comes. I've told him if he comes he is to stay in that position until he's emptied his whole load on his face, although I suspect this makes an accident more likely. I don't know if he will ever reach his cock, but it's spiced things up a little, and that's good.

You can give other tasks like these to accompany the masturbation. One common task is to have your sub stretch their balls by hanging weights from them, or to stretch their ass using increasingly larger dildos. I don't care for either of those personally, but if you like the idea then it's a reasonable addition. Another thing you can set to accompany masturbation is self-CBT. These are things like making him wear vampire gloves as he strokes himself. Or having him tie his balls up with one end of a string or rope, and then tying the other end of it to his hand; tying them close enough together that he can't get a full stroke without tugging tightly on his balls. However, I enjoy the reactions CBT elicits. So not only would I hate to miss out on them, but I worry the sub will build up a resistance to such sensations, which lessens his reactions when I want to play. Nonetheless, it might be a good addition to your sub's scheduled masturbation if he needs something extra to get him close, or if it makes him horny beyond reason.

Another fun idea is to have him repeat a "mantra" while masturbating. What I enjoy doing with these is having my sub say something degrading or embarrassing if others were to hear it. For example, "I am a slave to my cock. I will do anything for an orgasm." Or, "I want to be tied up and teased but not allowed to come." The other type of thing you could have him say is something you want him to remember. Such as, "I am jerking off, but will not come." Or, "My cock belongs to your name here, I will do anything she asks." Thinking about it now, I'll probably have to add a mantra back in again. At least in the mornings to work him up a little more. (He'll just have to say it loud enough for me to hear while I'm getting ready.)

You can also add restrictions. The most common I've seen suggested is to make a sub use only his non-dominant hand, as this makes it more difficult. Since the idea is for him to be as horny as possible, this doesn't help. Maybe if you're having him masturbate to completion then it makes sense, but why do that? Restricting vision is a fun one. By making a sub blindfold himself, he doesn't know if you, or someone else, might be watching. This means he can't masturbate differently when he knows you're not watching. Another restriction is no lubricant. I know I'm sadistic because I deeply enjoy the thought of someone wanting to be played with despite being sore and chaffed. However, my husband doesn't find anything about chaffing to be sexy, so I only use it as an added punishment when I can.

I'll touch more on punishments at a later time, but I should mention them briefly. It defeats the whole point of exercising if your sub comes. What I do, and what I recommend, is that when a sub has an accident during his scheduled masturbation, the punishment is to take away his orgasm privileges, and when he is finally allowed to come, it's a ruined orgasm. It's a simple and easy deterrent. This doesn't mean no playing for you, you can still play with him if you feel like it; he just doesn't get to come. I don't have a set amount of time for this punishment, I like to say it's on a case by case basis. If you haven't been restricting orgasms I suggest starting with a week. During this time my hubby is still required to masturbate according to schedule in the morning, but has to go twice as long in the evening. Some tops like to suspend masturbation as well, but I don't agree with that. Is it really much of a punishment to stop him from having orgasms if he isn't even thinking about them? Isn't it worse if he can think of nothing else? Orgasm denial with forced masturbation is a much better punishment. Of course if he comes during this punishment then it gets serious. I double the time, and to prevent further accidents his cock isn't allowed any physical stimulation. He can still do things such as go down on me, but it limits our play greatly. I try to make the best of it, but it is less fun.

How do you work around his masturbation schedule? You don't have to; just play when you want. I prefer to play right after an exercise session, or if I'm interested in playing, I'll often make the sub masturbate before we start. He squirms that much more, and is that much more vocal. Both of which I love. If you're interested in some penetration and you know he's going to have to pause too often to avoid coming, then sure, play before he exercises or let him cool down after. I will reiterate that while I've suggested you only let a sub come late in the day, you can play any time you want. Just don't let him come too early in the day. This may seem obvious, but it's lost on some. Maybe you think it's only fair to let a sub come after playing with him or teasing him, but you have to get past that idea. If you think like this you will feel pressured to make him come every time you play, and this will take the fun out of it. It will feel like an obligation. Add to that the fact that if it's early in the day, he'll likely be less fun to be around later, and there's no need for that. Again, there are exceptions to every rule, perhaps you are doing a series of orgasms for the day, whatever. Just don't think you owe him an orgasm right now because you had fun. I don't think I've met a sub who wouldn't think it's sexy to hear, "I want you to be as horny as possible, so I'm not going to let you come right now." In fact, telling your pet that you're doing this to keep him horny, will not only make it more fun for him, but make him more horny.